In A World Of Billions Of People...i've Never Felt More Alone

Hey guys! Okay so for once, I just want to be utterly, entirely, and completely honest. I just want to lay myself bare for you to see, stripping myself of the smile that is my shield and the laugh that is my secret weapon. I am so sick of pretending and being fake and hiding. Saying "I'm fine," when inside I'm screaming and second-guessing, and doubting, and feeling alone, and desperate, and confused. As much as I try and convince myself and the world that I am okay, deep, deep, deep down, underneath my enthusiasm and "happy-go-lucky mask," I know that this isn't true. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not fine...or at least not how "fine" I would like to be. Truthfully, I feel terrified and alone. From an outsider's view, I am a carefree college freshman, exuding happiness and just making the most out of life. Barely anyone knows what's going on inside of me. I try to explain it to my therapist, parents, and some close friends, but what I tell them isn't always the full truth. However, my secret is secured from the rest of the world-under the tight lock and key of a smile. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, and scared to face these feelings within. Hell, what makes me even more unnerved is that I don't know how to "fix" myself. I just feel broken and not whole, pieced together half hazardly, and falling apart at the seems. To sum it up, on the outside it looks like I have my **** together (at least I think so), but on the inside it feels like I'm crumbling, slowly wasting away behind that mask, that perfect image I try to create and uphold for myself. Here's a glimpse of the shadows that reside behind my sunny disposition.

The alarm goes off. I wake up with a headache again. Great. As soon as I free myself from the cozy, heavenly realm of sleep, It returns. Everything returns as my mind quickly just snaps back into worry/obsession mode. I literally worry about everything and anything at all times of the day. Somedays I have panic attacks and others I don't. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy because I can't turn off the intrusive thoughts that take my brain hostage. As soon as my eyes flutter open: BAM...it's a smack to the face as all the worries that I sought refuge from in sleep come painfully flooding back. Obsession after obsession after obsession. "I hope I don't commit suicide today. I don't really want to but sometimes I feel like I do. I can't stop thinking about. OMG what if I jump out the window today or what if I overdose on that advil near the corner. Oh no my roommate's still sleeping. I hope I din't wake her up. I don't want to go to class because everyone there hates me and I am scared to make a mistake and get laughed at. I don't know what to wear today. Oh no I have to do laundry because my roomie is gonna hate me if I don't. I wish I had friends. Am I depressed? What if I killed someone. I don't want to but I'm scared that I do. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Why am I here? Do I even have a purpose? Why have I never had a boyfriend? I might have a crush on my bestfriend...am I lesbian. I hate myself. I can never do anything right. I hope I don't fail this exam...I have to keep up mu 4.0. I feel so alone. I hate college. Am I doing college right? I want to go to sleep. I can't stop thinking. I hope my family's okay and that my sister didn't cut herself again. My face looks like a mess. I wish I were pretty. My chest hurts, what if I have a heart attack today. I hope that I don't have to eat dinner by myself again. What If no one likes me. That person looked at me weird...guess that they hate me. I am so lonely. By myself again. Why do I think so much? I wish I were cooler. If I don't touch that, something bad will happen." On and on and on and on...well you get the point. Thats a sample of the thoughts that plague me from when I get up in the morning until my head hits the pillow at night. Some days are better than others, just as some fears and worries are worse than others. Right now i am struggling a lot with suicide. I've experimented a lot with cutting, but it's not for me. I realized I was just doing it for the attention I craved, and that made me feel even more down and depressed. I really really really truthfully don't want to die. Death itself is a concept that paralyzes me with fear. I think I am so preoccupied with suicide for two reasons: I am unhappy with myself and the life I'm living. I'm bored and I want to make something of myself and have fun experiences and let go of everything and JUST LIVE MY GLORIOUS AMAZING LIFE...but fear is holding me back. I'm scared to go out there and just be myself because I am the most insecure person and have no idea who I am. Also, I'm scared of suicide because it is so tragic, and final. One of my biggest fears is just getting depressed, losing control and killing myself. Or, just giving up on fighting the thoughts that consume my waking hours and just ending it all...trust me when I say I don't want to do it. But as soon as I see an object: alcohol, drugs, windows, rope, an electrical outlet, a car, a knife, my mind automatically jumps to all the ways that I can kill myself with it...and it makes me so scared. I feel like I have no control over anything and that my thoughts are just taking over my life. I feel like I can't truly live right now because I am so lost. I am scared. I am in the unknown world of college and I haven't got a clue. I used to be so motivated, basically happy, and content. Now, I just am consumed by worry and feelings of depression. I talk to a therapist and have been for a while, but I am getting so frustrated because she isn't giving me concrete strategies to fight and resist anxiety and depression. I want to try going on medicine, but I am scared-scared of the impact that it might have on me and scared of relying on a little circle everyday to make me feel better. I feel that I am screaming at the top of my lungs inside, but no one is listening, not even me. I want to reclaim my life before it's too late. I want to be more confident and reduce my worrying. I want to take action and take control of my own life...but I am paralyzed again by the ugly head of fear and the shroud of uncertainty. I just don't know how I feel anymore. I want to live, but I always find myself wanting more...looking to the next minute, hour, or day to feel happy again. Counting down the days to a special occasion instead of feeling miserable. I hate going out with friends or doing something in life that is supposed to be fun and having it feel like an obligation. I hate that I keep questioning and thinking and think again and overanalyzing every aspect of my life. I feel like I am about to snap. I hate questioning the purpose of life when I know that we are all going to die. As much as life excites me, it also depresses me. I try and tell myself to smile and be happy but oftentimes it just feels fake. I'm scared that once I wipe that smile off my face, I will have nothing sane left to hold onto. I don't want to fall apart. I don't want to go crazy. I don't know how to behave, or what to believe, or who to trust. I love people. I love talking to them and hearing their stories and interacting with them. I am a very friendly person. But right now, I'm having trouble talking to others because I am so frustrated. I'm frustrated because i don't know who I am. I'm frustrated because others don't understand me. I'm frustrated that I am dwelling and overanalyzing all these thoughts. I'm frustrated because I feel trapped in darkness and it's overwhelming.

Don't really know what made me write this post. I guess I'm just looking for understanding, love, and advice. I guess I want to be reassured that I'm not alone. I guess I just wanted someone to listen to my thoughts and feelings because right now it feels like no one does. Although I am panicked and severely overwhelmed that I opened the doors of my story, unlocked my heart and let the words flow...in a sense I am at peace~if only for the time being. If you got this far, thanks for reading my story <3 It's not traumatic or anything, which makes me even more made at myself for feeling this way. I honestly am at a loss for what even to do right now. I am freaking out...feeling like I am about to hit rock bottom again. Help. I am not a weak person, but I need help. ****, the thoughts are rushing in again...I feel like I am drowning and hope that eventually I'll learn to float, or at least keep my head above the deep.
frillyprilly99 frillyprilly99
18-21, F
3 Responses Dec 12, 2012

Believe me your not alone. Your story describes nearly all of us at this group. I think we all have thought and desires of suicide when we fall into our black hole. When I'm in my black hole, I think of semitrucks, yep, that would end my life rather quickly. I think of taking every pill the doctor precribed for me. Sometimes I think it, and perhaps I've even come close. I have thought it and wanted it so many times, but I know by now I will never do it. I know, though, when the desire is there, I need help now. Talk to your doctor. Some people have great luck with those round objects. If it gives you hope, and the gift of life, I believe one little white pill is worth taking. It's at least worth checking out. Wish you the very best. I pray one day you can take off your mask and find a genuine smile

:) I am glad I'm not alone....and I think I need help so I am going to try and find a good psychiatrist so I can conquer this battle against myself. Wish you the best too and I am confident that one day I will be able to...thank you for your comments!

Your story brought tears to my eyes because it hits so close to home. I feel the same way. You are NOT alone! There are so many people who deal with these same feelings. It's so frustrating to have these thoughts isn't it? I totally know it. I look out my back porch and sometimes wish we lived up higher because if I jumped off our balcony the most that would happen is I'd break an arm or a leg. These thoughts are scary. I understand you. And I know others here understand you too. Let's battle these scary thoughts together and fight to survive. Again... you are not alone
<3

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing all this, but I am glad that you understand and that we can go through it together. Yes, these thoughts are terrifying and are taking over my life! It's so hard but I believe that we are both strong enough to do it :)

yes we are! It's a tough road but you can do it.. both of us can. So can anyone else. We're tougher than we think we are (though it difficult to remember this).

I know how you feel. My mind works overtime and will not let me rest sometimes. In fact right now I can't sleep because it is doing just that. It really is overwhelming. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me.

Even just hearing one person say that they understand is such a relief...so thank you :) I appreciate it so much...and feel free to message me too! I believe in you...you can do it!

You are very welcome :) It does feel good to hear that someone understands. I need to hear that sometimes too. I think we all do, but it means more coming from someone who has experienced the same things. I just found this website and already I feel a little less alone.I am glad I stumbled upon it. I hope to meet many new friends here. I look forward to hearing from you!