Getting Started

Hi, hah. I've been being told to make a blog-type things for months and I finally found a site where I can make it completely secret, thank goodness. All I can really say is that I'm fifteen and for a fifteen-year-old, I've been through a lot more than I think I should have at this age. Last year, a guy that I considered a great friend, put me down for two and a half months straight; called me a *****, *****, *****, beat me by kicking, slapping and punching me, touched me inappropriately, threatened to rape me and finally choked me against a wall while threatening to kill me.. With not only about fifty kids around, but my boyfriend at the time was there as well. No one knew about this abuse until my friend told my parents about everything. Another thing no one knew and didn't know for about a month, I had gotten into the habit of cutting, daily. Sadly enough, when people found out I had been cutting, they told me I was a freak, stopped talking to me and left me by myself with literally no one, but my boyfriend, who also judged me. Then my parents found out and got me into counseling and things were ohkay for a while until I moved back to a place I'd lived before and things were so ****** there, I started cutting again, but this time with a vengeance after my mother gave me the worst guilt trip of my life, exclaiming that she should just go take a bottle full of pills and kill herself; deeper and in more areas than just my stomach, wrist and knee, I began cutting again. People had called me a ***** and a ***** the same way that guy had, but merely within the first two days of school for me. I started dating a junior(mind you, I was a freshman at the time) and got into a very emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and he ended up being the cause for sixty percent of my cutting. I did everything I could to please this boy and even gave myself up and had sex with him. My parents found out and we couldn't see or talk to each other for weeks and since I had rose-coloured glasses on, I felt deeply hurt and miserable and cut more and more. I wish almost everyday I could've seen what kind of person he was. We started seeing each other again and things went farther downhill than they already were. He was done with me and led me on for three straight weeks. I cried near every night and cut along with it. In this entire process, I also lost the few friends and by the time this guy broke up with me, I had virtually no one yet again. People called me a freak and wouldn't accept me for the fact that I am not only different, but I cut and everyone refuses to look at that. Three to four days after he broke up with me, I cut eighty times to the vein on my entire forearm, straight up the the elbow. I almost died. I went to a mental hospital for six days and it was the worst thing I've ever experienced. After I got out, my best friend took me to a football game with her and her boyfriend. She left me there by myself with her boyfriend and has refused to talk to me since because I "changed" since I got out of the hospital. Lucky, I've learned after these experiences to never trust a single person and I learned how to keep on a mask. It's been five months since the hospital and I still cut, but literally no one knows and will never know. I get lonely, but I remind myself that no one's worth it. All my friends left or ****** me over and I'm just about down with this place I'm at. I just want out, but where else should I go ? I mean, every place has proven to be the same as the last. I tell no one how I feel, and though people say its bad to do this, I keep most things locked in.. Until this.
I've cut with everything from regular blades, to bobby pins, glass and broken razors from a shaving razor, which is my "sharp thing" of choice to cut with. I've tried alternatives from weed, cigarettes, sex, alcohol, drawing and writing but I always go back to cutting and at the moment I have 506 scars from my feet to my neck. I've been diagnosed with OCD, PTSD, AD(anxiety disorder) and MDD(major depressive disorder). I'm angry most everyday, but there's always a fake smile that looks so sincere as usual. I honestly don't who I am anymore. I used to be the happiest and bubbliest person on the planet, and here I am now with the worst trust issues, five hundred and eight scars and holes in who I am. I feel so different as opposed to how I was a year and three months ago. I don't necessarily know what to with myself anymore or how to fill these gaps that have been dug out of me. I'm scares of being happy and the same way I was because I know it'll all just drop back to the way it was, even on an antidepressant and a sleeping aid. I have nightmares most every night whether it be about the guy who abused me, the bleeding out or any other sort of thing related to dying or abuse. I feel the same way everyday and it's so hard to get passed. I wish I knew what to so, but most days it feels like there's nothing to be done.
Kthnxbai Kthnxbai
13-15, F
Dec 12, 2012