The Self Notes By A Major Manic Depressive

Hello EP World ,

Over the past years I have written myself notes of self hatred and pity. I will post one each day, verbatim, in attempt to get honest feedback from this community. If you think you have mental problems, "you ain't seen nothing yet."

December 9, 2010

Title: Just Another Bullshit Thought

What is there to say? I mean really. I've been through so much **** in my life, more than the average person. Which all contributes to the way I feel each and every day of my life. Many people would read this and not even consider these feelings being of any truth. These are the type of people I have to deal with on a day to day basis. The type of people who if they've never experienced being depressed the way I have then it certainly does not exist. If they've never felt it, then no on else could feel like that either. That's the type of stuck up, conceited people I've dealt with most of my ******* life. They don't believe you're hurting inside because deep down they've never been hurting inside. They've had everything handed down to them and have had the fortune of not caring about anything or anyone. I say this because if you do actually care about anything or anyone, one way or another you end up getting hurt. Trust me I wish I could just say **** it all and not give a **** about anyone else's feelings like most of my friends do. I think I would be much more content If I was a cocky, arrogant ***** like most of them are in my circle of friends. But for some reason I keep caring and I know I shouldn't. I know I should care less about them because they could care less about me. But I can't and I ******* hate myself for it. I let myself fall for their fake sympathy all the time and always end up getting hurt in the end. Why even try to be happy when I know that something bad will happen eventually. Its happened every time I've tried to pursue happiness and now I'm just done trying to live up to everyone else's expectations.

---This is much more calm than posts yet to come. Please be warned that eventually you will read some unpleasant thoughts of suicide that I have had in the past. Please respect that it has taken alot of courage to share these thoughts with random people. I am posting these to see if anyone can relate in any way. The next days when I post will be much, much more disturbing. So I am giving the community warning now that if you can't or do not wish to read this thread or only have negative comments to post about my past and current mental issues, then please by all means block my page or do not comment at all. Thank you.---
lostkind lostkind
26-30, M
1 Response Jan 6, 2013

I hate people... I know exactly what you mean ._.