I'm Still Waiting...

Everyday, when I wake up, I never know if it's going to be an okay day or a bad day. Lately, it's been nothing but bad days. I'll go to sleep thinking that when I wake up, things will be better. I'll feel better. Majority of the time, this isn't the case. In fact, it's the opposite. I feel just as anxious and depressed if not more so when I get up. I'm 22 years old. I just graduated with my Associates degree, and I have a lot of student loans. I attended college for 4 and 1/2 years. Because of my anxiety and depression, I didn't always do so well. Being away from home (my comfort zone) didn't work out so well for me. I just wouldn't go to class. I would sleep. My anxiety medication made me tired. It made me numb. I didn't really care about anything besides sleeping. I was withdrawn. And now I'm paying for it. I can't find a job. It seems I don't qualify for anything. I'm so anxious all the time about my future that I'm becoming more and more depressed. I'm thinking about suicide for the first time since I was a teenager. I would never actually take my own life because there are a lot of people who care about me, and I wouldn't want to hurt or disappoint them. But just having these thoughts is disturbing. It's difficult for me to watch as everyone around me graduates and moves on to become successful. I'm happy for them, but at the same time, it makes me feel worthless. I have no direction, no skills. No hope. And every time I try to talk to someone about it whether it's my best friend (who also has anxiety), my boyfriend, or my mom, they just don't know what to say or do to help me. I feel lost. Alone. Isolated. Depressed. It's a really lonely place to be.
MemoryHolder8 MemoryHolder8
22-25, F
Jan 9, 2013