17 Years Of Losing.....

The depression grows stronger daily. It's a never ending tide of despair attempting to sweep me away. So far I've held out, but I can do this forever. I'm slowly tiring. Barely any emotions have gotten past this torrent of sadness and if they do, they emerge corrupted. I'm breaking down at the basic level. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I'm suddenly crumbling. I'm scared and alone. The tremors in my hands have gotten worse. I can barely hold my hand still enough to hide it. People have noticed but I was able to play it off. My legs have begun to quake too. They can't hold me up right for long without shaking. Someone will notice soon. The tremors have spread to my entire body now. I don't know what's happening. I'm losing the will to fight against the inevitable. I know it's only a matter of time before I must yield, but yet I continue to fight. I fear that this will be the last fight I'll ever battle in. I won't surrender so I expect my body to fail unexpectedly and kill me then. I don't think it'll be long in all honesty. I always planned on dying in a way that would matter, but I don't think I'll be able to now. My energy is at an all time low, but sleep eludes me still. In the past 48 hours I've gotten eight hours of sleep. Two twenty hour days in a row. I'm slowly slipping away. I've been reflecting on my life recently and found that I never truly enjoyed it. It seemed like I just dealt with anything that came my way and never took the time to find the joy in it. My dreams seem to confirm this. Each time I do fall asleep I am haunted by my past, but never my future. I fear this means I've given up on life almost completely. I don't know who I am anymore, if I ever did. I see a stranger's face in the mirror and he hides his pain so well. He's become an empty shell of what I used to be. My soul has been trying to leave. I find it slipping off alarmingly easily and each time I barely drag it back. My only options left are to increase my medication, losing myself in the process, or to find the source of this foul depression and face it. I've been searching for months now for the cause and it still eludes me. I haven't a clue where it is and I'm so tired. I don't want to give up on life, and if I have a say, I won't, but my will is being repressed. I lose more of it each day. It's as if I tried to invade Russia, I'm being pushed back and surrounded. Time is against me. There is no cure for this, and treatment will only mask it, I fear that I never stood a chance. It was destined to win, all of this was just a test to see how long it would take. After 17 years 10 months and 10 days I've begun the end game. I fought. I tried. I think I might die. I still fear the darkness, but it seems almost welcoming now. I can't hold on much longer. Forgive me, I've failed.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 10, 2013