Stuck Between A Rock And A Hard Place

I am a 36 year old gay male, living in upstate NY. I have been battling depression and anxiety for years. I was first diagnosed in College at age 22, but we suspect I have been depressed since childhood. Last year I suffered a bad break up that resulted in my crashing and entering in to severe depression. This also heightened my anxiety to the point that I was on medication and seeing a counselor and psychiatrist. Also factoring into this was the fact that my father became terminally ill. I also was having a lot of trouble with my supervisor at work, whom had made it her mission to find every little mistake I made and blow it up to make it seem like it was a whole lot worse. My anxiety was through the roof when it came to dealing with getting up and going to work. My friends and co-workers were convinced that it was most likely caused by my supervisor either not liking men or gay people. It may have been a combination of both. I am not certain, but there was a double standard, as there was a set of rules for me and different rules for my co-worker who was female. All of this was weighing on me and then my dad took a turn for the worse. That was my breaking point, I went in to work one morning and started getting harassed in the usual fashion, so I just got up, packed my things, then walked out the door without saying a word. I then moved back home to be with family and help my dad out, who only lived a few more weeks. He passed away just before Thanksgiving. In this time I was staying with my cousin who had said not to worry about anything and that what was most important was spending time with my dad. The next month he kicked me out because I was not giving him any money for bills. I was out on my ear with no job, no money, and my father who was about to die. My younger sister took me in, which I was concerned about as she has issues herself and trouble holding a job and keeping a roof over her head. She had kicked me out shortly after my dad had passed away. I had no place to go unless I moved 3 hours away from family and friends. My hands were tied and a very good friend from High School took me in. He told me not to worry about a thing until I got a job, then a car, and saved up some money for my own place. There were no strings attached, he just wanted to see me happy. He and his fiance have been great and I haven't wanted for much. There are issues here though. He has terribly bad anxiety and he is angry all of the time. His life is not great due to poor choices he makes. He has a pretty good job, but has money problems. He is very anal retentive about everything, right down to drops of water on the sick or floor after washing hands. He is also very paranoid about someone breaking into the house when we live in a small town with almost no crime, to which they are disbanding the local police force here. Another problem is he is an animal lover, but hates my dog. One of the other major problems here is there are virtually no jobs and lots of unemployed people. I have not been able to find permanent work here and have been here since Thanksgiving. I feel stuck and feel like my life is going no where. I am generally a social person, but have not been able to get out of this place to do anything as I am reliant on my friends for rides, due to the fact that the transmission went in my car and I have no transportation. I have thought about the future and it looks grim. It looks like I am stuck here and cannot find the silver lining here. I have always been positive up until about a year ago. I always find a way to do what I need to, but anymore I just feel like everything is hopeless and It's like this fog has rolled in over my life and I cannot see anything, so I am stuck where I am. Still jobless, with no vehicle, and miles away from my support system. Unsure where to turn or what direction I should travel. I sit here like a bump on a log.
MadMax013 MadMax013
Jan 20, 2013