New Revelations On My Anxiety And Depression. I Am Scared Of People!

I always wondered why I am scared of people. I new this for a long time. Now, after an increase in anti-depression meds, I have realized something. I am scared of what people think of me. I am obsessive compulsive. I can not stop worrying about what people think of me... and I don't want them to not to like me. So, I avoid people... Just like you would if you had GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder or what it is called now: Social Anxiety Disorder "SAD") It makes me depressed...very depressed...to a point that my brain seems to be functioning on only 3 cylinders out of 6... just like a car...


If I am not certain that people will like me, I will avoid them. Since I need to function in this world, I need people to like me. I feel that they won't like me. Something will happen to me. No matter how much I want to please people, I will not be able to do so... completely. So, I do not want to go out. I worry over and over again of all the things that can go wrong around people. I try my best to figure out all the things that people will not like about me so I can be assured that I am alright.


Like work. I have to get a job. I have to sell myself to the boss as the best person for the job. Can I do It? If I don't, I have no income... no living and, ultimately... homelessness... and possible harm and death. So, can I do it? I must. I must make him happy on the interview. I must have the odds in my favor. To do that, I must guess every possible thing that can go wrong on the interview. It's impossible.  But, my mind obsessively goes through all the possibilities making me anxious.


I get the job.  Now, I must keep it.  I must work hard.  Because, the boss might not think I am good enough.  So, I must work harder.  What if a friend of the boss has a son or daughter who needs a job?  The boss feels pressure to make a position for that person.  Someone needs to go.  It might be me... and how am I going to be able to compete with that.  More anxiety.  What about the employees? Do they like me?  The might get jealous of me working so hard to keep my job... they might make up stories against me and the boss might believe them...and I get fired... or worse yet, the boss might put the pressure on me... until I break apart and no longer can keep the job... and I have to quit.  It can happen.  How do I please everyone.  If I don't?  I lose the job and possibly never find another won and lose income and become homeless and get hurt or sick and die...


See? No matter how much I think about it and try to convince myself everything is OK... it will never be... because life is dangerous and it will always be out to get me.


How did I get this way?  I have been in therapy for 20 years and I know stuff now.  And, it comes down to how I was raised.


My Mom was obsessive compulsive... always afraid of what the neighbors would think.  She kept her house so clean it was like a museum.  Not a speck of dust and everything in it's place.  She had a a certain way of doing house... and you could not break it in anyway.  If you got in the way...she would get mad... and BITE with her tongue.. "PHILIP (BITE to her voice) I told you to keep those shoes tidy... why can't you do that?  I always have to pick up after you.  You never do it... why did I ever have you?  If I knew now what you would be I would have never had you as a child.."  You can imagine the effect.  My sister is 13 years older than me... so, she has come to light about how much this happened at an early age. Imagine being 3 years old and being yelled at for being constipated.  "Philip! (Bite) Are you constipated?  Why are you constipated?  You better poop that all out, NOW!  I don't want to give you an enema.  I have a lot to do.  Poop it out now!  Come on now!  Do it!  (Can you imagine trying to poop out constipation, which you can't control... AFRAID of your own mother and what she might do...let alone displeasing her?)


Closets... My sister told me and I can remember... just like the vague memories of sitting on the toilet.  Mom would get mad because I was just a kid... she would shout (bite.) and then I was put in a closet ...and locked inside.  (Why a closet?)  My sister told me it was the clothes closet with a lot of stuff in it.  It muffled my cries so mom could not hear it.  I was to loud and inconveniencing her obsessive routine.


I lived in two areas.  A 6 by 9 foot den and a corner of a basement.  When I awoke, I was not allowed in the living room, dining room, kitchen (unless I was doing homework,) my bedroom, the bathroom (unless I really had to go,) or the basement... except for a little tucked away corner away from neighbors eyes.  Why?  "Well... Someone might come over.  The would want coffee... which means they might want to go to the bathroom, which means they go into the dining room, living room, up the stairs... onto the landing... to the bathroom... and they might see the bedroom door open and there might be a crease in on the bed... which will look untidy.  Let alone the curtains and the pillow cushions in the living room.  You live in the den and the tiny corner of the basement.  If you yell about it... I will through you in the closet!"


If I even opened my mouth to rebel, I was threatened with Dad coming home to hit me with a belt.  It could be 8 in the morning, and my mom would make sure that when my dad got home, at 8 in the evening... I was hit by the strap... and my Dad was a mean hitter...


So, I grew up knowing that I was wrong... could never do anything right.  I shouldn't't have been born...and was born to keep mom's and dad's marriage together... yes, I found that out to.  So what else is new?  That was my life and I knew no other... that was NORMAL for me!


My Sister had my Dad to defend her... Daddy's girl... and so he stook up for her... but, he never did that for me... I was a "marriage saver baby," and did not meet up to what I was supposed to do... so Dad was never around... he read the paper or went down into the basement to smoke a cigarette... or went in the garage to tinker around and left me to mom...


My sister told me that my mom was "biting" me, even when I was born... because I inconvenienced her when I pooped in my pants.  I was surrounded by fear!


So I am afraid of what people think of me.  If I find that they don't like me... I am devastated.  To the point where I am in stark terror.


Working?  How can I work when I am in complete and utter terror of losing the job which my anxiety tells me will happen?  Friends?  How can I have friends if I can't show my good self so they like me?


OCD with SAD and Clinical Depression with an exaggerated sense of vulnerability.  Please son't think I am a bad guy... I was made this way.


I did some things, though?  I studied people... because I had to.  I would watch people to understand them.  When the kids in the neighborhood shunned me, I would play with the girls... at first because I had no one... then because I needed the company... then, because they were interesting and because they became fun!  Yes... my problems let me know that girls are fun to be around...CAUSE GUYS THOUGHT I WAS TO SENSITIVE... because of my disorder... and the guys loss... my gain!


When I started liking girls, I knew they were people... not objects to be won or trophies to accumulate! But, they were unpredictable.  So, I was scared of them...all the way through highschool and college... until I saw someone I just had to ask... because I was scared of never having.  I asked her and to my delight... she wanted to go out.  After giving her diamond pendent... not too much, but still nice, I asked her that if we still were together on her birthday that I would give her an engagement ring. She excepted.  In June we married.  I spent every waking moment with her.  We married.  It was like... perfect!


Then,  Her job!  Daddy's girl wanted a business.. like her Daddy did.  I was for it.  But, the shoe business she wanted, promised by the person who she worked for since she was 15, did not sell it to her.  He said, "A woman could never start a shoe business!"  NAVY GUY!  I was mad.. she was mad!  The nerve of this guy.  So she got her business at a great price... a lean on the house we had.  I was for it.  I wanted to see her get that business.  But, the times showed that everyone in the area were no longer looking for quality service Ma and Pa service shops... but Walmart and other big retailers.  She was stubborn and she pored more money and time into the business.


Soon, I got lonely... not knowing so.  Believe me, I was not a saint.  As my wife pored more time into the business, I saw less and less of her... until she came home for bed and rose to work in the morning... and no time together...and my disability started... I began working with youth... teens... I was good at it, because when I was in college, I worked in Psych... with teens and understood them  (a great area to expand on... but this is not the story...) So, working with youth in my church was a natural... then a counselor like me came and she was anxious... she had many of my problems... and I felt like I should help.  I asked my wife and she said OK.  So, I helped her.  Little did I know that all the time I spent with her, I really liked her friendship... I did't know it then, but she was filling the area that my wife was not filling with her job... the companionship part.  The whole thing was Platonic... but damage was done.  Thankfully she stopped the friendship... (I was not happy... though I should have been...)


I became moody... very moody.  My wife became more preoccupied with her failing job.  She felt betrayed because I became friends with this anxious girl... But nothing happened!  There was no affair... a friendship.


Suddenly I noticed why... my wife was so preoccupied with her business that I never saw her.  I found a substitute.  My wife is not a forgiving person and became stubborn.  And one thing I knew about her was her stubbornness... after ten years of marriage.


I was moody because my wife never saw me.. .and the girl I had to be my friend was no longer socializing with me... she thankfully stopped it, fearing something that might have became more like an affair... (Yet, it never did.)


My wife never forgave me for it.  She did not like my ideas about letting the business go... letting the lean on the house go... get an apartment in a semi-good neighborhood... her getting a job with Country Companies Insurance, who already had a job lined up for her.  IT WAS BENEATH HER to step to that level.  So, she promptly wanted a divorce.  I was surprised.  Very surprised.  She was stubborn... you can not stop something you know so well... she would do everything so she would win.


I was screwed.  Seperation.  She was a good mom... so, it was fitting for her to bring up my daughter who was 7 at the time...


Then the devorce.  After that 3 months later... after careful hiding on her part, she had a girl... OUT OF WEDLOCK... and she named her the second name we thought of for our own daughter... Lisa... New husband came.  I DIDN"T EVEN KNOW!  Did she have someone all along when she made the devorce?  I will never know... because all that time..she was a good mother to my Vicky and had astable family of 3 other children with a new husband...(a guy she had dated in college...)  and... happily ever after...


Except for me.  Becasue I am so poor, I had to move 160 miles away to a place that had housing for poor people... and now I am still poor and have no car.  My precious daughter is going on 21 years old now... and I have seen her once since she was 9 years old... not becasue I am a bad person... but, because she doesn't care...becasue she has her own family.  Plus, she is one of those people who believe that people who have emotional disorders should be cured like a common cold... so why should she take the time all these years to bring her to me?


My fear of people has made me this life.  I lost my wife and my daughter...and everything that is good to me...


So, I stay in my apartment... forcing myself to go out...  And what is really sad?


I am scared of you!  Yes... people put down insensative comments all the time.  DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO COMMENT ON THIS SITE KNOWING THAT ANY COMMENT CAN BE HURTFUL...especially for a disorder like me?


That is why you might not see me for a while.  Not because I don't care... It's utter terror from my disorder.  Luckily, most of you put down sensative comments.  Those comments show you actually care...even if it is a sentence.  Just a sentance like... "I know how you feel," is a great reply... and I can easily reply to you... especially since I am so scared of what people think of me.


I know.  How can you reply to a guy like me?  "I hope your OK?"  Good reply.  "I fell like that because..." those replies show me that what I put down is acyually helping people.  Negative replies hurt though.  Most of the time I analize them... which is not good for the replier because... because of my disorder, I think to much and am always three steps ahead of those people... if I reply at all... but... nice replies... especially if you give me replies that are from the heart... even if they are negative... but from the heart... I can tell they are from there... and negative or not... those to me are automatically gifts... because you don't have to make those... and I know that they are important and personal and they mean something special... it means you want me to recognise you and your own feelings... dark as they might be... and there is no way I can not find those important and worthwhile.


We are all on this site for the same thing.  We want to be hear.  Understood.  And, to known in such a way as we are excepted.  That we are worthwhile to be the way we are, to be exceptable and loved just the way we are.  That is what EP is all about... a community who gathers those who feel they are not exceptable into a place that is exceptable.  A place that is more truth than our society in its limited understanding can grasp.  We can be heard, understood and found by everyone, and, most importantly, that we are all equal, no matter what society says we are supposed to be, because the truth really is, we are all not only equal but we are all the same... people who feel, care and love and need all those same things, too.  And all bouderies that cause us to to be seperate should now be destroyed so we are found all the same...


In this light?  There is no differences.  We are all the same!
Sparrowhawk1161 Sparrowhawk1161
51-55
Jan 23, 2013