A Long Journey

I'm new to experience project. But I'm really down in my life. I am a type A person and am extremely logical and anal. I'm 20 years old and feel like I'm trapped in a 40 years old body and have dealt with a lot of hard things in my life. I put a lot of pressure on myself grade wise. I am all about academics and push my self so hard ultimately to self hatred. I feel that I am never good enough. No matter what I do i'm never happy or satisfied by myself. My mom always said when I was younger that I was just always an unhappy baby. Throughout my life this statement becomes truer and truer.

I had an amazing ex-boyfriend of 3.5 years and he was my universe. I sacrificed my first 2-years of college for him. I missed out on making friends my freshman year and sacrificed my own experiences to spend time with him. I have a huge heart and am so nice to others. I like to give to people and make sure their happy over my happiness. I know it's a flaw!

This is all so very hard for me to share and I haven't shared this with of people. During my freshman year it was so hard for me to adjust from high school a lot l to college. I was popular in high school and was so close to my family. When I came to college the world became a cold place. I couldn't stand to be alone by myself and would feel empty and void. I was always upset. I was never happy. I didn't enjoy things I used to love. I used to run to distract myself. I would run 6 miles or longer just to get this anxious feeling out of me or depressing thoughts. It came to a point where running became an obsession and it was something that wasn't healthy. It was to a point where I would have fractures and swollen muscles but keep running. Running was only a temporary fix. In my early high school years I would run 6 miles everyday before track and then 4 while in track. I would eat only a yogurt, an apple, and pints of water. I would hate food and looking at myself. It came to a point where I could not look at myself and had to cover a mirror. The voice inside my head would tell me not to eat and to starve. I would pick at my food and spread it around my plate to reassure my parents I ate. After track practice I would lie to my parents that I ate before with the team so I wouldn't have to sit and eat with them for dinner. I would have a food log and count every calorie. I used to not add lemon to my water because I thought it would add to many calories. I got help before it became noticeable that I had a eating disorder. This voice had control When I realized exercise didn't help I realized as hard as it was to admit that I needed help. I would sleep 12+ hours a day. I would cry for hours on end till my face was chapped and red. My eyes would always be swollen and puffy. I would not eat and feel so depressed. I would starve myself until it got to a point where I felt i was going to faint. It was a scary time. I felt I could not turn to anything. To a point my ex-boyfriend didn't know what to do and I was too nervous to tell him how bad it actually got. It wasn't until October 2011 where I would constantly cut myself. I cut my inner thighs and in highschool I cut my wrists. I wore stacks of friendship bracelets on my wrists to conceal the wounds. No one ever knew except my ex-boyfriend and two other friends. I was grew up in a great household but the release of pain was the only symptom for my anxiety and depression. The feeling of cutting released all these bad thoughts and I felt so much better, but of course it was a temporary fix. At this time my self-esteem did not exist. I tried to break up with my ex-boyfriend realizing why would he want to be with me. He never left my side during this and said he won't leave and that he wanted to be with me. I had to stop cutting ultimately because one night I cut too deep and almost hit an artery. My hands were shaking and I was so disappointed with what I have done to myself. I just watched the wound bleed out. This is where I needed help. This was the worst time in my life. Even though I have a great family I felt no one could understand and it reminded me of another horrible time in my life where I almost committed suicide. It was so scary and I am better mentally to ever consider suicide. No one knows about this and It's been so hard to open up about it. It's to a point where I can admit it, but can not talk about it just yet.

Late October 2011 I started seeing a therapist and at that point I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Panic disorder. I had frequent panic attacks. They are so scary. My heart palpitates out of my chest and I can't breathe. My airway closes up and to a point where my eyes roll back. It's unbearable pain that suffocates you. I'm always hyperventilating and tears flood my eyes. It's as if the world is going to end and it's so hard to think about anything else. You feel like you want to die, that death is better than living at this point. The worse one I had lasted an hour. If I wasn't in my therapists office I would have been in the ER.

Throughout my freshman years things got better but there would still be very low points in my life. Sophomore year I got a break from everything. I think it was partially due to medication. Alternative methods didn't help with my anxiety. I have extreme anxiety. Stress for a normal person feels horrible but for me it feels as if I'm going to die. I obsess about it to a point I won't sleep for hours. I won't eat I won't do anything but worry about my anxiety. I would get anxiety about anything. It got to a point my anxiety became my best friend, it was always there for me. Although, I hated crying everyday and having up to 3 panic attacks a day it was all I knew. My anxiety is okay right now, but it's still a constant battle.

In June 2012 that boyfriend that said wouldn't leave me eventually left. Although it was painful and it felt like freshman year all over again it was a struggle but worked out eventually. More good came out of it. I became more independent but I was falling back to cutting and panic attacks. My ex-boyfriend and I have an unhealthy relationship. We're best friends. Although all my friends advise against it, he's the only person besides my best friends that I can rely on. He doesn't judge me, he knows me so well, I don't have to explain why I feel blue or why I cut. He hates that I do cut even though I've stopped a couple months ago.

The hardest thing in my life that happened was this breakup. It was a stable force that was in shambles and did not exist on a romantic level anymore. I made rash regrettable decisions after the break up. I met someone named Keith. At first it was casual but my feelings progressed. We always had a talk about being on the same page but every time I felt he always just wanted to agree with me and say things to keep me around. It hurts that I put myself in these situations but it's because I've realized after Azri I have never learned to please myself and make myself happy. I've never been proud of myself or selfish about my own happiness. I have always given everything to someone to a point where I can't give anymore to him or other boys. I need to be selfish and learn how to grow to love myself. I always have hated myself and have covered this issue up with boys, sports, academics, etc. The root of this problem is I need to deal with it. I can't move on and recover without addressing it. I have never told Keith the extent of my problems, but at this point I'm at a low point in my life and need again to admit I need help. I've realized through a weekend of self - realization that I can't turn Keith into what I want, he will never want what I want and why should I settle? Why should I be with someone who doesn't want me the same way? Why should I be used and encourage self-loathing behavior by continuing this? I am not happy and why should I continue with something that is making me unhappy? Why should I give the world to someone and get nothing in return? Why should I give someone the time of day if I"m not worth it? I feel that if I continue staying in these scenarios I will eventually drop to my lowest point again, freshman year. I want to be friends with him ultimately and I do love his company, but right now it's harming me more than helping me. I appreciate all the things he has done for me and am so happy I've met him. I want to be friends, and continue to know him but I need to be mentally okay first. In time I think we can be great friends, but I need to take care of myself and be selfish right now. For 20 years I've learned to hate myself and I know it won't be easy to recover and eventually love myself but I'm willing. I'm willing to be selfish for once, and learn to take care of myself. I need to. I need to accept and love myself before I love someone else. I need to make myself happy first rather than having someone else make me happy. I need to deal with my baggage first.

The one thing that saved me and to this day I know will continue are my best friends in my sorority. Jackie, Jen, Savreet, Dom, Jess, my sister Christine, and J'nel. These girls have seen me cry over and over again. They are my rocks , my persons, my everything. You don't need much in life, but one thing you need is people that love you, accept you, and support you. I love these girls to pieces although I'm only telling them about my whole past now, I know I can always count on them. Going through a hard time and not dealing with my issues of self-hatred and unfulfilled happiness with myself I realize as long as I focus on being better and having a support system. Eventually, I can eventually learn myself. These girls are my stability now and all I know for now. Baby steps are the only way to recovery. It won't be easy to self-explore myself because their are layers of self-hatred and neglect. It's been a hard journey since high school. I've abolished my eating disorder, my suicidal thoughts. Although anxiety and depression are always lingering over me I know I can conquer and control it with self-recovery and stability from my friends. It took me the longest time to overcome to even talk about this. In high school I would never write to a blog about this, but I've realized in life you make mistakes to learn and to have a meaningful life you need to look back at what you did wrong. My best friends have made me realize I'm not alone, and I know they'll always be there for me. That it's okay to be sad and I've learned I can't always strive to make everyone happy nor that I am perfect. I'm looking forward to getting better and self-healing. There have been multiple scars and things I never forgave myself for. But I'm ready to let go and start a new chapter in my life full of self-acceptance and self-reliance.
emchoy emchoy
Feb 9, 2013