Tortured Soul

I've gone from bad to worse. Yesterday, I was mad, like so MAD! And now today...I feel sad! ;[ Gosh, can it get any worse than that!? So depressing! T_T It was all good before (well, not really) when I felt like I was in a bad place at the wrong time (school-related) 'cuz I really did not want to go to freakin' college!!! But I had no choice! I had to. I was doing nothing with my life! The thing is, I'm shy. :/

And as much as I hate that label, it's true. So imagine how my life's been up to this point? Absolute hell! A living nightmare everyday at school, always having to apply my "mask" instead of make-up like all typical girls, having NO self-esteem or confidence to do anything at all! I have no friends, but I gave up the search for them a long time ago so it don't matter no more! So why am I mad? I won't say! It's (school-related) so humiliating that I haven't told anybody! I tried getting over it as I usually do, but damn, this is a big deal, apparently! I even asked my little brother, what can I do?! "Relax, calm down," he said. (Aw.) And then I told my big brother what to do without even telling him what I was mad about and he simply told me to 'grow up'! :/ I've tried! I've really tried! I've been 5 feet tall ever since - lol, I'm joking! Nah, I get what he's saying. I really need to get over these "trivial" matters by acting like a grown-up 'cuz, c'mon, I'm 19 already! I'm in the real world now and the world ain't got no time for cry-babies like me! :( But still! I'm mad & sad right now and it's a big deal because now I'm in the depression zone so that obviously means that I haven't been able to handle this situation well.

(I am currently skipping through the happy songs on my i-pod just to hear the sad, depressing ones :( 'cuz that's my only personal outlet at this moment.)

I've been a freakin' loner all my life so I always keeps things to myself & of course that hasn't been good for my health 'cuz that could only lead to bad things like getting a personality disorder, which I already self-diagnosed myself with, so...oh well! And of course nobody knows about it and so I deal with this on my own, oh, and by the way, I've got other issues, like ALL of the following: paranoia, depression, low self-esteem, a dark heart, a heart of ice, madness, trust issues, awkwardness, social anxiety, inferiority complex, emotionally crippled, sociopath/psychopath (?) traits, created walls built around me, not a talker, introverted personality, bipolar disorder, etc...and I've been dealing with all of this for the past decade or so and I haven't gotten anywhere 'cuz of these freakin' issues!!! I scream on the inside for help, but that's another one of my major issues - I won't ask for help. I can't. I'm shy. And stubborn. So anywayyyy...

I am mad because - wait, I'm not supposed to tell you why. I am mad. So I wish that I had "the power" or at least the strength I used to have to get over things and just "go with the flow" as I usually did. But that takes up a lot of my "brainpower" or mental strength to do so. So why not try that? I already DID. It's NOT working. So what CAN I do? My "ice powers" are failing me. My "cold" exterior is breaking down. I am shattering into million pieces like broken glass. I don't know what to do. I've thought about it. About ending it all. 'cuz I simply cannot bear it any longer. But, OF COURSE...I cannot. There are OBSTACLES standing in MY WAY of doing so. Like, for example, MY FAMILY. I cannot do such a thing to them. They love me and bla bla bla, so dammit, I can't! Especially my mom, but both of my parents really DO CARE. They have given up so much and have HIGH hopes of me achieving my dreams (of writing my story AND publishing it) so until that happens...I cannot end my life. Dammit. And also, there's me. My inner voice.

Yes, I hear voices in my head and they tell me, "HELL, NO!!! I FORBID YOU TO FREAKIN' END YOUR LIFE AFTER ALL THAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH!" And I'm all like, "Exactly! After all I've been through, I still feel miserable so there's no point in this anymore! Why not just end it all and problem solved!" "No, not 'problem solved'! What da heck do you think that'll solve???" "Everything! Money issues (for college), a waste of space, my suffering..." "No, [my name], that's just the easy way out. A 'cop-out' to your story. So what will be the lesson of that book you're writing? What'll the audience think? It'd be a huge disappointment for them and not just them, but  also to yourself! You'll let yourself down if you do that, and that'll be such a pity! Do you want that?" "I don't care! Screw the world! My story's stupid anyway, so why even bother??? I'm done with this crap! I'm no one important or special! No one will care! Just let me be!!! FREE!!! FREEDOM! I want freeeedom - " ******-slap* "No!!! Snap out of it! Stop all that nonsense! Sorry, but I'm not just gonna let you rot away like that. You've hired me to be your guardian, your MENTOR, so that's what I'm doing. I'm just doing my job as I'm supposed to. I was created out of your darkest moments. So I cannot let you die 'cuz that'll mean that I can't protect you anymore. So, yeah, I'm giving you a pep talk 'cuz that's what you need right now. You get up! You MUST get up! GET UP. I'm sorry, but crying & weeping won't solve anything. You're just gonna have to power through like those other times. As much as you'd love to just drown right now, in your ocean of sorrows...I will not allow it. You must endure this pain. If you need another layer of protection, I'll provide you with a new one. But don't quit on me. Don't quit on YOURSELF. You gotta keep going until you succeed. Failure is not an option. You learn from your mistakes and overcome them. That's what you'll do. One step at a time, you'll continue walking your path, not to self-ruin, but to glory! Got that? Now smile!" :)

Wow. Whew! Just what I needed. But still all comments/advice are GLADLY WELCOMED.

(I have now transitioned into my "happy" mood by playing now "upbeat" songs :)
DarkDepressingSoul DarkDepressingSoul
22-25, F
2 Responses May 25, 2013

“Face the brutes.” That is a lesson for all life—face the terrible, face it boldly. Like the monkeys, the hardships of life fall back when we cease to flee before them.

Say to your soul in regard to vanities, weakness, etc., "This does not befit thee. This does not befit thee."

~ Swami Vivekananda

thank you for that! really inspires me to be bold & brave against "the brutes"! :)

You said "all comments/advice are GLADLY WELCOMED"...... and so......... I ask your VERY RESPECTFULLY : Have you considered trying some, or even all, of the following : Psychotherapy, Hypnotherapy, Self-Hypnosis, Meditation, Self-Help books. ??? You might want to look into some of these., actually no. :/ pscyhotherapy? hypotherapy? holy crap! i do not know what these things are! self-hypnosis? o.O um, does that mean self-talk? meditation - nope! self-help

crap! i'm supposed to be GLADLY accepting your help, but i'm not! i'm just rejecting them! sorry! i just don't know about/feel comfortable with any of this! so...