Awakening

I have been looking back a lot lately thinking of when my depression started and I think I have it figured out. 

A little more than a year ago I was enrolled in chemistry.  I did not do well because I procrastinated and never asked for help.  I did not really care though because I had pulled through many tough classes before.  This turned out to be much different.  By the beginning of second semester I was officially failing.  I became intensely upset and pissed at myself.  But I just let myself drowned.  In one particularly difficult class I just wanted to hurt myself so badly but I didn't know what to do.  I quickly came up with and idea when I found a paperclip.  I put my arm in the desk and repeatedly scratched at my arm until it was all red with irritation.  It was weird but I felt happy and I loved the weird bumps I got from the scratches.

I went home in deep thought.  I wanted to step up a notch so I googled it.  I found the idea of actually cutting but I was still nervous.  I told myself that if I wanted to kill myself one day I would have to suck it up and deal with physical pain.  So I tried it and tried again.  It became a routine for me.  I guess it is kind of sick but I liked the blood and the scars.  At school if I wanted to feel better I would just graze my hand over the scars on my arms.  This became a bit of a problem though because I had to start wearing long sleeves all the time and it kept getting hotter.  Luckily my parents didn't notice and when people at school asked if I was hot I would just shrug it off and say I got cold easily.  It actually worked, no one noticed or said anything to me.  Some people told me I was acting weird but I doubt they really cared.

I actually passed chemistry by the end of the year.  It was a miracle but it was not me.  My advisor got involved and contacted my parents and so my mom got the "great" idea that she could tutor me.  It was hell every night.  My advisor, teacher, and mom are the ones that saved me from drowning.  I owe them my life.  I actually had a 32 in that class and brought it up to a D.  A 32...can you believe it.  Let me explain that I go to a school where that is unacceptable and basically unheard of.  I could name an endless list of of how I could have ruined my life if I had failed.  Don't get me wrong I am still screwed but I have bought myself a little more time by passing.

So I stopped cutting when the school year was coming to an end.  The scars were all healed by graduation.  When the summer started I was hopeful because I was starting my first job.  I guess a good thing about me is that I have always found friends wherever I have gone.  I was excited to make a new friend that summer.  I turned out not having anything in common with ANY of my co-workers.  I didn't make new friends and in fact they did not even like me.  It was a long exhausting summer where I went to work (with a two hour commute each way) and proceeded to go straight to sleep when I got home.  So the depression stayed even though I had stopped physically harming myself.

 

This year began like any other but thankfully their was no chemistry.  I even became closer with one of my friends when we realized that we had similar feelings and could relate to each other.  A damper was put on things when someone at my school talked to the counselor at my school.  She and I are now having weekly meetings and I have resumed cutting.  I am now smarter though and have stopped with the arms since that would be way too obvious.

I just find it ironic that they notice me now but not last year when I was really alone.  This year I guess it is a little better because I told a few of my trusted friends but the whole counselor thing is throwing me off.  Last week was going to be our last "meeting" but I guess I panicked so I said I had not been totally honest with her so now we are continuing to meet.  I really wish I had not said anything.  I was so close to freedom but in a moment of desperation I messed everything up.  I found this sight earlier this week and I love it.  I wish I had found it just a week earlier.  Writing this down and reading others experiences is really helping me but I don't want to talk anymore.  I know talking helps some people but I don't deal well with confrontation and it ends up just being really awkward and uncomfortable.

So for now I will rely on this website because this chemistry thing has really messed with my brain.  I realize now that my current path leads to failure.  And now I wait for the time when I will be drowning again but there will be no hand to help me out.

chemistryd32 chemistryd32
18-21, F
Feb 13, 2009