Depression & Anxiety Caused Me to Flunk Out of College.

I have always been a severely anxious person. Even when I have literally nothing to stress out about, my brain starts getting anxious over what terrible, stressful thing is going to happen next... That, or I start freaking out about things that are so far out of my control that it's ridiculous. I have been known to get anxious over the national deficit from time to time.

My anxiety occasionally becomes so overwhelming that I cease to function. I start to lose my grip on my life, and it sends me into a downward spiral that inevitably ends in me becoming increasingly depressed and apathetic about everything.

When I graduated high school, I was going places. I had over a 4.0 GPA and a 33 on the ACT. I'd participated in numerous extracurricular activities and logged dozens of hours of volunteer work. I had scholarships galore and colleges begging me to consider them. I could go anywhere, and do anything.

I ended up at a university 1000 miles away from home. First semester went smoothly in spite of my anxiety problems - all A's. Second semester, I started slipping. I passed all my classes, but barely. I lost my scholarship. I started feeling deeply depressed. Third semester, I dropped one of my classes halfway through, and barely passed the others. Fourth semester, I did a "medical drop" of the entire semester. Fifth semester, I tried for about two weeks... then I just stopped going. I didn't drop, I just stopped going. At this point, I wasn't leaving my apartment for anything, not even to buy groceries (even though the grocery store was right across the street). I stopped bathing and picking up after myself. I even stopped paying rent, even though the money was there... I just couldn't even bring myself to walk down the stairs to the front office to hand over a check. I slept all day and was awake all night. Then one night, I just snapped.

I popped several alprazolam pills, then drove myself to the nearest mental health clinic. I really don't know why. Long story short, I ended up being forced into the psych ward of a hospital for several days, and it was the worst experience of my life. I'll never go back to any place like that again... I'll die first.

Two months later, I was moving back in with my parents, my GPA was in the toilet, and I was at the lowest point in my life. Things have improved since then, but I'm paying the price - I'm tens of thousands of dollars in debt thanks to student loans, and I have nothing to show for it. I work one lousy, unfulfilling retail job after another, wondering what might have been if I didn't suffer from depression and anxiety.

adrialoves adrialoves
22-25, F
5 Responses Feb 19, 2009

My name is Jessica, and I am 24 years old.

I know how you feel. I too am a college stuent at ITT Technical Institute. I am homeless and Transgender. I have lost every member of my far-right winged conservative family and am stricken with depression on that front. I also am suffering from depression from a lack of work (income) and from a lack of intimate connection (all my life's relationships were all severely damaged by the onset of my gender identity. People fear what they dont understand and I can tell you that you have no problems. I am going through way more than other people go through all theier lives, practically over night. How does one person stay optimistic when the whole world works against them? I have had two mental health breakdowns, both ending up in hospitalization, and I have already failed a semester of which I had to repeat.

I feel that I want to drop out of college but that makes me feel that the whole world (of people that are disgusted by my very existence) before I fail all of my classes. $150,000 is a frightening amount of debt and I dont want to be stuck with that cuz my chances of finding work are VERY slim. But I am at a loss for ideas. I dont care about my life anymore. I used to think I was special but I guess I was wrong.

I have tried to reach out to people, I have tried to get employment (its not easy being a transwoman), I have tried mingling with my own community, I have tried to think positively but all of my attempts at finding peace of mind and heart have led to bad luck and misery. How many times must I fall before I get what I want? Fighting may make me seem strong on the surface but Strength hurts terribly... Can someone help me find the hope to stay alive and to keep fighting? I wish I had someone who could hold me close if I was sad or celebrate with me on the good times... but I have lost hope that love exists in my life. I am a few steps away from another suicide attempt. I have been exhausting myself trying to think positive and I dont want to fight anymore. I hate being so different that I have to fight four times as hard as everyone else has to (god some people have no idea how good they have it) and still get no results in my life. I dont know what to do anymore.

I have been taking two different kinds of antidepressants and a mood stabilizer and it still doesnt work at all. Meditation doesnt work. Marijuana doesnt work. Music doesnt work. My world is dark and gloomy and there is nobody in this life that can save me anymore... not even love. Sorry to dump my problems on you all... I guess severe loneliness and alienation is the killer of great people...

I totally can relate to you. I have been battling Depression for the Past 3 Years and I'm trying my best Now to Renew Myself. This also ruined my University Performance, almost exactly Like your Story!! I study in the Best University in our Country and starting my 2nd Year My Depression got the Best of me. I am 21 now. And I am supposed to Graduate Next Year but this is Impossible Since I Stopped Just Like You. I still live with my Family and I want to move out, because I become more Depressed here since they do not even care what i want in Life. I stopped just like you Last Year in Attending University. But I Lied to my Family about this. They do not know this, nor do they even care that I have been Depressed! This is really causing me a Big Burden. I am very tired. And I want to be free. I will have to Move Out Soon. I have to Heal Myself, Rather than Die. I am thinking to Esape, At Least I can be Free of all of these. Like you exactly, I have been. I stopped to take care of Myself, to Take a Bath, Awake All Night Sleeping All Day, Stopped to Go out --All these!! I really want to be free now, Whatever it takes. I have to Help Myself. Hold On There, You Are Not Alone. We Must Stay Strong

Now that you are getting your life back together, maybe you can start looking into going to a local college to get your degree. A slip is just that, a slip, not a fall. So take a look and see if you can't get your life back together and get back into school. I know, been there, done that. But I got 3 degrees out of it.

Your experience could be used to point out a problem in the educational system and do something about it. American education should provide remedies for allowing second chances, by allowing transfer to a new college, a new environment, allowing transfer of any hours earned (C or above) as credits, with no grade. The GPA is only for hours earned at the school where you graduate. You have some insight into the causes of your failure and your failure can thus inform others and perhaps reasonable people will see a need to help people in your situation and this would be a help for society as a whole. There are a few colleges that have this transfer policy, such as Pikeville College in Kentucky. I am not certain of the exact provisions, but Texas has a law mandating the expunging of records of freshmen who for whatever reason flunk out.<br />
(Most of them party too much, since teenagers very much need peer approval and socialization. Some of them may also have depression and anxiety but may not have the insight that you have.) There may be other options for a fresh start, but more such options are needed, since there is a lot of waste of talent resulting from strict policies, often motivated by cruel snobbery. Good luck.

I am terrified that I am about to do the exact same thing.