Trying to Understand My Emotions

I began my battle with depression and anxiety when I was 13. I was in the 8th grade and I had a whole bunch of things go wrong in my life. I asked out a girl that I had been very good friends with me for a few years and after initially saying yes, she broke up with me a day later. The solid group of friends I had began to fall apart. I was playing basketball at the time and I saw my playing time diminish. To add to this I was struggling immensely in school and I felt very pressured by my parents to succeed. I spent most of that fall and winter tired and very sick. I had bouts where I would miss about 3 or 4 days of school every couple of weeks. In January I thought that I was moving past it, but a few weeks in I just fell apart. I didn't know I had depression at the time, I just knew that I couldn't fall asleep and night and when I did fall asleep I couldn't wake up. I spent all day in the dark and in the bed, and my parents became very concerned with me as I missed more and more school. Finally after a week and a half out of school my mom took me to see a whole bunch of doctors, most of which said that I probably had depression, an answer that my mom just did not want to hear. Finally my mom took me to see a psychiatrist and after some psychological evaluations he determined that I had atypical depression. He put me on wellbutrin, provigil, as well as a number of different medications to try to fight my insomnia. I began to see a therapist, and the therapy I had generally seemed helpful to me. I initially didn't take my pills because I didn't like how I felt when I took them, but after a month of being out of school I started. I didn't like it, but then after a week of taking my pills and trying to stop, I realized that stopping wasn't going to be as easy as I thought. So I just endured the side effects. I started to get better and when I felt my depression was under control, I returned to school after 2 months of being out of school. When I returned to school nothing was really better but I was just trying to finish out my 8th grade year. I did and going into the summer I was excited about going into high school and trying to forget the awful experience I had that winter. I managed to do that for the first semester of my freshman year. I got good grades, participated in sports and other school activities, and thought my life was back on track. Things took a turn for the worse in the second semester. I had a hard time focusing in school and when I did my homework, which led to a lot of stress. The stress made it almost impossible for me to function at times, not able to sleep, difficulty staying awake at school, having periods of not eating anything and then at other times eating just about everything. That was when I really began having panic attacks. They started small, but when they got bigger I was having an impossible time getting by in school. I was no longer in therapy and didn't want to tell my parents about my mental health struggles in fear that I would have to go see more doctors and go on more different medications. So I managed to finish the year, despite leaving school with some pretty severe mental health damage. I didn't do well in school in the second semester but I was determined to make things better the next year. At this point in my life, my social life was about as dead as it could possibly be. Don't get me wrong, I had friends at school and I definitely wasn't the kind of person who people didn't like or would never even want to have a conversation with. I guess I was just pretty invisible and unnoticeable. I didn't really get any calls from friends I assume because no one really thought to ever invite me to anything. I was the type of person who was very easily forgotten. I had high hopes entering my sophomore year of high school. My hopes were quickly squashed as I realized that I was struggling with the same issues I had in the previous semesters. I was having serious panic attacks during class and a week and a half I just couldn't bear going to school anymore. So I was back out of school. For the first few weeks my parents lived in denial about me going back to school. They thought I would just wake up one day and magically have the will to return to school. I didn't. I was having serious suicidal thoughts at the time, and although my medication was kicked up and I began therapy, I just felt terrible. There didn't seem to be anything positive that could come out of my life. I began setting deadlines for my suicide. I would tell myself I would kill myself by Halloween. Then after that I would tell myself I would kill myself before Thanksgiving. Then after that I would tell myself I would kill myself before Christmas. I spent most of this time at home alone and during discussions with my therapist he concluded that I was very dissociative which I agreed to as I would often wander off into fantasies or daydreams as a way of dealing with my now very severe depression. Time felt like it flew by and I began to feel better. Between myself, my parents, and my therapist, I began making plans to return to school for the next semester, which I did. Unfortunately after a week into school I realized that everything was still the same, I was still depressed and tired and anxious and confused among many other things. On January 12th I attempted to kill myself by overdosing on my meds (xanax, seroquel, provigil, wellbutrin). "Lucky for me" I was knocked out after taking a whole bunch of pills that after about a 20 hour coma, I awoke in a hospital bed alive and completely health (at least psychically). I don't remember much about that night at the hospital. I remember not liking the fact that they kept me on an IV which feels really weird when you have to get help from a nurse just to take a ****. The next day I was moved down to the in patient psych ward. I made a few friends, got the flu, had some laughs and after a week of kissing up to doctors and therapists, they finally let me out of that hell hole (for those of you who have never been in a psych ward, it's like a combination of prison and an old folks home). I then spent 2 weeks in an adolescent out patient program which had a lot of group therapy which I pretty much got nothing out of. I made it very clear to my parents and doctors that I had not intention of returning to school this semester and I had no intentions of returning to my current high school ever. Currently my parents are looking into other schooling scenarios for next year (boarding school, homeschool). While all this is going on I have been really struggling with my emotions. I have trouble falling asleep at night, I can't wake up in the morning. I'll have trouble remembering things and I am often very confused and dizzy. I very rarely feel good but I feel like I spend all day in a boxing match with my emotions. I have suicidal thoughts all the time and I just try to do my best everyday to fight them, but it's really hard especially when there doesn't appear to be anything to look forward to. I know this is really long and I doubt anyone actually read the whole thing, but I would really like to know if anyone has dealt with going to bed each night feeling exhausted from their daily bout with depression and anxiety and what they do to help themselves.
dutchboy93 dutchboy93
18-21, M
2 Responses Feb 23, 2009

I can relate with some events in your life but the thing is that you are a young man with all your life ahead. Please do not let depression and anxiety win over you. I fully agree with FE45au Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. I wish you the best and keep fighting and in the end I know you will be victorious.

Dutch, <br />
I had my first serious depressing thoughts when I was 16 and attempted suicide when I was 18, 2 times. I'm now in my 50's. Yes it is possible to get through this. I had no medication back then. Went to my father's shrink for 2 years but I was scared to talk to a man.<br />
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You are going to have to start changing your mind, not like yes or no, but changing the thoughts that run through your head.<br />
Your mind doesn't exist in a vacuum so something has to be there. Right now it's sad things. When dealing with suicide, we lose hope. Would you agree? It feels like there is no hope for tomorrow and we will have the same problems forever. That is not true.<br />
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The problems you are having with school with socializing will not always be there. In high school it feels like the people we know will always be there giving us a hard time. This is not true. <br />
New things will develop in your life.<br />
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Life changes all of the time. .The problems you are having now can be solved. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.<br />
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First, you are here so you have taken a step to getting help. we're not professionals but we know what you feel like.<br />
Second, you are getting professional help. <br />
You are desparate to get better so you're on the right track.<br />
Maybe you don't see these things as significant, but they are.<br />
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Here are somethings I have learned to do to make myself happy even if I didn't feel happy when I was doing them. My feelings wouldn't change for a long time, but I kept doing these things until they did.<br />
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Pray to God - He is only a thought away. Even if it "feels" like He is 1000 miles away, He is just a thought. Talk to Him. Tell Him all of your problems and then ask Him to help you. Ask Him to forgive you for everything you have done wrong and ask Jesus to come into your heart to help you live. Our will to live is very powerful. We don't want to die, we just want the problems to go away.<br />
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Say outloud, "I plead the blood of Jesus over my mind to be clear and happy"<br />
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Do something for someone else expecting nothing in return. We get blessed and start to feel better with this.<br />
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Do something physical that will cause you to breathe deep and hard for 20 min. 3x/week. This kicks out endorphins in your brain. These are the feel good hormones. These will help with the meds you are on.<br />
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Journal your feelings everyday - here through your stories, blogs, on paper. If you have no feelings, journal that.<br />
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Do something creative. Draw, sing, paint, woodwork. I used to and still do, love to color in coloring books just like a kid. Even on just plain newprint, draw what you are feeling. Use the colors that express what you feel you are going through. It doesn't matter if it is good. I know you will beat yourself up over it if it isn't but it really doesn't matter though.<br />
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Read the bible to learn new thoughts. Find out how much God loves you. He knew you before you were born and blessed you with special gifts and talents. He has a special purpose for your life. You were not an accident, Dutch. Psalms, proverbs, John, these are good to start in. Psalm 139 is a favorite of mine.<br />
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Like cugirl said, message us. Think of me as your aunt elaine. I may be old but boy, I sure know where the pain is. It's nice to be happy most of the time now.