A little background information. Ever since I was about 9-11ish (20 now) I started getting these feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts, I never really thought anything about it, at that age I suppose I thought everybody was the same. Teenage years were hard, it was asif I was 2 people for the most of it, the real me; sad, lonely, worthless etc... and then the mask that I put on in front of everybody. At the age of 14 I started self medicating with cannabis, at first it was the greatest thing I'd ever discovered, I was genuinely happy for a change. Skip forwards to the past year, year and a half, and everything spiraled out of control. Still playing the fun loving party guy mask, I started taking a large array of various other drugs. Cocaine, mdma and mkat were my drugs of choice. But it's only recently that I've found that the few friends I had, have all secretly behind my back genuinely hated me for the last few years, albeit hiding the fact, because I've known them all my life, since I was a little kid, and that they also now about 'the real me'.
But through all that the thing that I hate the most is this feeling that I'm sinking, like asif I've never actually grown up, moved on with my life ever since the age of 14, It's strange I genuinely do still feel 14. I don't know if this is because of the drugs misuse, or from the anxiety and depression.
milnerr milnerr
22-25, M
1 Response Aug 21, 2014

I understand how you feel. My life seemed to spiral at age 16. There are days I still feel 16 even though I'm 41. Everyone around me seems foreign and much older. I learned that drugs and alcohol made things worse. Recently I've figured out that blood sugar levels cause the majority of my depression and anxiety. Not drinking and not eating sweets or a lot of junk food seems to help tremendously. Good luck buddy.

I totally agree with the foreign and much older statement. It feels as if I'm living in a completely different world compared to those around me. As for the drugs and alcohol, it's just them few short hours I totally forget myself, like all this isn't real. Till tomorrow comes round and it's even worse! I'll have to give the blood sugar level idea a try, can't hurt right?

I hear you. That short escape from reality is great. It just feels too bad afterwards. It's like buying things on a credit card to feel better, but the interest rate is like 5000%. Do try the blood sugar thing. Can't hurt and might get healthy in the process.