Feeling Numb

Ok so here is my problem for anyone who cares to listen:  I hear all these heartbreaking stories on EP; deaths of loved ones, abusive relationships, illnesses, broken families etc etc. Human suffering to the extreme. I can understand how these people would battle with depression; there has been so much sadness and burden in their lives.

Yet here I am, claiming I am depressed when nothing traumatic has happened to me in my life. From an outsiders view I would be labelled as one of the lucky ones. But I don't feel lucky, I feel like I am nothing. The uneventfulness and mundanity of my life is suffocating. Does anyone else have the same problem?

I've never had a boyfriend. Never had a close group of friends.  I never get involved in anything or get excited about anything. I've never done anything risky or dangerous. I never initiate anything or make any major life decisions. I alternate between feeling extremely sad and suicidal at the thought of the meaninglessness and emptiness of my life and feeling nothing, feeling indifferent and numb. No past, no interests, no life affirming events, no future. Sometimes I am scared that I have no soul. That I am incapable of feeling love or being happy and comfortable and satisfied with the direction I am taking in life.

On really bad days I feel spaced out; I feel detached and removed from everyone and everything; nothing seems to have any relevance to me. Does anyone have any advice on how I can feel alive again?  

muffintop muffintop
22-25, F
4 Responses Mar 10, 2009

I can kind of relate to what you're writing about, a lot of people probably feel like they could just shrug off my personal problems without thinking twice, but emptiness can be just as painful as a life full of tragic events. There's really no need to compare and contrast though.. Pain is pain, whatever the details behind it are, it still hurts regardless.

I am from a village in England. Although I feel I have a few 'closer' friends... I was always (and continue to be) the one that everyone knows and 'loves' for my honesty(?) - and by that I just mean I do what I do when I do it and without much regard for anything but my needs(?)<br />
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I have experienced mundane things but have blown them way out of proportion, why? boredom perhaps... I sometimes think if I was threw in at the deep end of a city and live like a slippery slicker - those shark people would be all suited and booted but - friendly to me out of pity and I'd hate that.<br />
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I have been on medication, a therapists plastic seat and had support from my family, but the way I see it now - the stigma exists until I wake from feeling memory trap me into submission. Feeling is everything but it is also nothing.<br />
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I hear u about every1 elses experiences on here, what with all the 'bad' drugs and 'bad' ppl and 'bad' diseases (physical legitimate ones and not the mental mockeries no one but the sufferer can/can't even see!)<br />
1 good friend of mine - his mum is dead<br />
another good friend of mine - his mum and dad split<br />
my family - just fine... I'm adopted but thats never had to matter before.<br />
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stay sane, go crazy, listen, learn, forget and then laugh.

Thanks for your suggestion! I was thinking about getting involved in volunteer work as a way to feel like I'm doing something positive instead of being so consumed with my own problems. I've been lazy and forgotten about it but your comment has reawakened me to the possibility. I just need to find an organisation that is right for me.....

You might try some volunteer work. Nothing makes a person feel good than helping someone else.<br />
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Let me know how you do.