How Dysfunctional Can One Person Be?

I am 33 years old. I grew up between my mom and dad (I could 'choose' where I spent the night, so I played them off each other, they were divorced before I was old enough to know anything) My dad was a hard worker and worked constantly, so he spoiled me to make up for not being there. My dad lived with my Nanny, who I was EXTREMELY close to. I used to lie, cheat and steal from all of my family when I was a teenager. I would rage out and throw things. I started partying at 15 and sex was my drug of choice. I have never done 'hard drugs' just drinking and mary jane.

My mom was an addict; you name it, she was addicted to it. She developed pancretitis when I was about 13 and the dr told her she would die if she continued to drink, so she switched to painkillers and other Rx meds.

Dad disowned me when I was 17 (he got married and I was dating a black guy at the time. They didn't want anythign to do with that) I have talked to him about 5 times over the last 16 years. He is not in the picture. He wouldn't know if I died, and vise versa.

My mom, Nanny and Mamo (mom's mom) died in 2003. All within 4 months. That left me alone. No brothers and sisters. No aunts or uncles.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't recall memories that most people have. I feel like my whole life has just been me dealing with day by day. I don't have anything that means anything to me. I am not emotionally attached to anything. I have 2 kids. My ex took my son and moved somewhere. I don't know where they are. I haven't seen him in over a year. My daughter is here and her dad and I share custody of her and I love her with all my heart, but I am scared to **** her up like I am.

I don't have ANY friends. I try to make them. I just don't have that thing....If I were to die today, no one would be able to plan my funeral. There wouldn't even be anyone to notify.

I won't work for very long. I get bored easily and restless often. I want stability. I want to mean something or matter to someone.

Why was I left here like this. I have abandonment issues, I'm lazy and I'm just generally miserable. Can someone help me?

Amberalone Amberalone
31-35, F
1 Response Feb 12, 2010

Amberalone, while we all have varied experiences, pain is a universal feeling that we can all understand. I'm not sure if we ever get answers from the past, but there's always opportunity for answers to our life in the future...we just have to be willing and courageous enough to go looking for them. It may not be for everyone, but I know that for me, speaking to a counselor has really helped. Sometimes you can get your standard, western psychologist (which I've done in the past and has helped some), and other times you can find a true gem that mixes western psychology with eastern philosophies, someone that can work with your energies, moods, and cleanses your body of the toxins from years of pain and hurt. <br />
<br />
I am learning that it is worth it to chase happiness, true happiness...and I am willing to try anything to help me to get there. I stumbled upon EP just over a month ago, and it has been a wonderful experience thus far.<br />
<br />
Here's to hoping that you find comfort in the people you meet on EP, and that you can find the answers that you search for.