Some Days Are Better Than Others.

The hardest part for me, who is so severely affected by this, is the constant fluxuations. I never know if I'll be "okay"

or "up to it." I hate making plans because half the time, I have to break them. My best friend and soul mate, though he understands,

still sometimes acts so irritated by my constant mood swings or attacks or inability to funtion at all.

He's so supportive but I see how it chips away at his life too. It just makes me spiral further to see him dealing

with dealing with me...

I hate sounding like a cry baby and when I "go under" I feel so weak and childish. I wish I didn't feel like

I was a burden on people. I ran away from home Friday so I didn't have to bring everyone down. I'm hiding out,

waiting to not feel like such a sniveling brat so I can see my friends and everyone I love and we can all smile again.

I feel insecure in my relationships with people because I feel so unable to contribute anything worthwhile so I do something

dramatic or outrageous or insane to see them react, to remind myself that they care. I don't mean to

be like this. I just can't stop...

Ugh. Venting didn't even make me feel better, but it needed to be done.

You're not alone out there. I'm not. Even if it feels like it.

ofthegallows ofthegallows
26-30, F
3 Responses Mar 2, 2010

Wow I feel like you took words straight from my own mind and put them here. I totally know how you feel as I also have a very supportive, yet not-so-empathetic, husband. He has watched me go up and down for the past 7 years and I feel so bad when my depression effects him so negatively. I guess that's what unconditional love is all about. (((hugs)))

Hello there,<br />
thanks for sharing your story<br />
I know its not easy to talk about this topic and i admire you for opening up about how u are feeling.<br />
I too battle depression quite often sometimes to the point of the "i just wish i could disappear feeling too"<br />
But let me give you some natural tips on things that helped me :<br />
Take up to 10,000IU of Vitamin D a day (most peoples depression is a chemical imbalance from not enough sunlight (vitamin D) and this helps to take the edge off.<br />
Also, Vitamin B will help boost energy levels and balance brain connectivity to help get rid of that "im hopeless no body loves me feeling and it will also give you more energy to be able to get out of the house more"<br />
Last but not least...Keep a journal so that you can keep track of the differences in your moods from day to day and also writing is the best therapy. I hope this helps and please know that you are never alone and i am always here to listen no matter what it may be about. Have a great day and smile it makes your butt tingle :)<br />
<br />
xoxo Dee

Sending you love and understanding from someone else who knows what you're going through!! It's one of the scariest illnesses to deal with and one of the most misunderstood. If you need to talk, I'm very willing to listen and reach out, because I've been there too many times. Xo~sugar~Xo