Exactly What I'd Been Avoiding

This Thursday, I should be sleeping in these wee hours of the AM.  Instead, though, I'm awake.  This is the first time in a very long time I have been so anxious that I couldn't sleep, but for the past few months I have felt completely crippled.

When I was younger, my mom used to struggle with depression and anxiety.  As a child, I didn't understand why Mommy just couldn't muster the drive to get out of bed that day.  Why was she so sad?  I asked her often why she took pills - only sick people took pills, right?  It did get better, over time, but my mom still struggles with depression and anxiety.  And so do I.

I don't even really know where to begin.  I don't know whether it's simply a chemical imbalance, inherited or not, or if this is in large part thanks to the emotionally abusive man I was with for three years.  I think it's mostly a combination of both.

Some days, I'm fine.  Mostly, these are the days I can spend with myself or with my boyfriend, who puts up with more than anyone should, and I think should be sainted.  I just want things to be quiet.  People make me nervous.  Social interactions make me nervous.  I go out of my way to avoid them, sometimes alienating people in the process.  The only thing that curbs this is drinking, and since I know what a slippery slope that can be, I save that option for only the occasions that have the most dire need.

I feel tired.  Constantly drained, strained, like I'm a glass of water relying on surface tension to keep the contents from spilling down the sides.  It doesn't take much to send me into total shut-down - shaking, involuntary tears, and it feels like there's a wall blocking my thought processes.  It can be on a good day, or a bad one...it really doesn't matter, but it's worst when I have to deal with people I'm uncomfortable with.

Some days there's a crushing sadness, and some days I feel fine.  Never really good, just okay.  I hate the up and down of it.  I am a full-time student, and I work 20 hours per week.  I know there are people who take more than the 15 credits I have now and still work full-time, but I feel like this is almost too much for me.  If I let myself think about how much work I have that day or week, I get overwhelmed so easily.

All of this, and I have been avoiding seeking help - not because I don't feel I need it, but because I don't have health insurance, and I hate the idea of debt.  Today, though, I made the decision to seek help tomorrow as soon as my first class is over.  It brings me relief, in a way, because I feel like with the choice comes some hope of recovering.  Lately I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.  And yet, all of the things I described above, were not enough to push me to this decision.

It was a girl I work with.  The details aren't important, I don't think, but we had a disagreement.  A rather large one.  It took me by surprise because I've never had an issue with a coworker that couldnt be resolved in an adult manner - a thoughtful, open discussion, to clear the air.  She had something entirely more hostile in mind - and chose to attack the stress and anxiety that's had me barely functional.  That was...cutting.  She was not out for anything, I think, other than to hurt me as much as possible so she could feel she'd won - but it was so like what my abusive ex had done.  I don't even think she realized what a positive change she made for me by being so damned negative.  People who are mean-spirited that way should not be getting the best of me - and I should certainly have the right to be as happy trying to avoid upsetting *anyone* as they are being narcisstic, right?

I go out of my way to avoid conflicts - for good reason, because after she felt she'd won and walked away, my body betrayed the stress I'd kept hidden from my face.  Total, racking, can't breathe kind of sobs - and I realized as it was happening that I didn't know *why*.  I just couldn't help it.  This happens every time I'm faced with that type of situation, whether I'm sad or angry or anywhere in between.

I'm going to my boss tomorrow, because that kind of situation shouldn't be happening in a workplace, and if I can stop her from doing it again (over the last 2 weeks, I think I'm the 3rd person she's come at this way), I will.  She was rude, hateful, purely malicious, cold, and heartless - but I could almost kiss the idiot for giving me that bit of anger that broke through the haze and avoidance stopping me from acting.  It's not the best way to be, I guess, but nothing motivates me like someone thinking I'm incapable - as long as that person isn't me.


I know this is incoherent, and rambling...and probably doesn't make much sense, but it feels good to get it out.  So thanks, if you're reading.

Sareni Sareni
Mar 4, 2010