Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder

I don't batlle depression as much as I battle severe anxiety and PTSD. Battling the anxiety makes the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder worse. I am a recluse and sociaphobic.

Yesterday, my BF's best friend had to stay over night. It started with him supposed to be coming at 4 am to pick up my BF to go to PA. He was going to come in and fix my BF's computer while he was here. He called and said he would'nt be here until 10 am. So I had gotten up early and cleaned and got all anxious for nothing, but he was still coming so I remained ancious. then he called and said he was'nt coming until 4 pm. By this time I am way past anxious into outright panic attack. I took valium which is something I save for extreme anxiety. So for an hour we are expecting him to knock on the door at any minute but he calls at 5 pm and says he won't be here until between 8 or 10 pm. The valium held it's own but I was still feeling like bees were crawling under my skin. I took my night meds which should have calmed me a bit but had no effect at this point because I had been in panic mode all day. Then, my BF tells me his friend is staying over night. This is bad. i sleep in the living room because we have no bed and I have chronic pain and there is only one bathroom so at any time during the night this guy is going to be walking past me while I sleep to get to the bathroom and I just lost it.

They stayed in the office working on the computer and playing video games but knowing the guy would be walking past me I could'nt sleep at all. I finally took another valium and turned on radiohead and hid under the covers, kind of lulled myself into semi-resting state. I told my BF at 8 this morning they had to leave because I could'nt deal with the fear and panic and did'nt want to take anymore drugs.

This is my life. My BF can't even have his best friend over. I was trying to get help but then my BF lost his job and I could'nt see the shrink anymore which sucks because he was really good, did hypnosis and I think he could have helped me. It's been hours since they left and I still feel like I have bees crawling under my skin. I can't take another valium because I am phobic of becomming an addict. I hate being this way. Most people don't understand that people who have experienced repeated trauma can't "positive talk" their way out of their brain's reaction. it's completely subconscious and chemical. no control. I have brain damage on top of it so I don't know how much that contributes.

When I have to move...oh it's gonna be grand. I don't have panic attacks in vehicles, I have terror attacks. If I am lucky I will have a narcoleptic response but usually it's curling up in a ball and sobbing. It will be 1500 miles of terror.

Someday, I will have a house that I will never have to leave on some land out in the boonies. The master suite will be an entire apartment so if Steve wants friends over he can have them and I can stay in the bedroom until I can get used to his friends gradually. That or I'll win the lotto and be able to finish the work with this shrink...but he's really old. I'm afraid he's going to die before I can see him again.

bitterdregs bitterdregs
46-50, F
1 Response Mar 9, 2010

Thanks. BTW, hence the throwing stars to your purse question LOL They comfort me because I have been attacked on a couple of occasions.<br />
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His excuses were all the usual. His dad wanted him to do something, his X, blah blah blah. Me being sociaphobic in the first place with the anxiety on top of it...it just kept to a crescendo. It was the first time I'd allowed anyone at the house for awhile and he just reinforced my apprehensions. yes, I can be a bit controlling/manipulating too, but my BF was well aware of that and why before we started dating.<br />
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Well I'm living in PA right now and was told by the first shrink I tried that I am too difficult a case for the hours he is available and that nobody in town is qualified to deal with me. LOL The majority of shrinks here are marriage councelors. I found another guy, will try him soon.