Daily Suffering

I suffer from depression and have since I was a teenager. I'm 47 now and this is the worst I have felt in a long time. I've isolated myself away from every person I have known. I wont let anyone new into my life since I'm deathly afraid of someone making promises of being my best friend and standing by my side only to forget all the promises and abandon me when I need someone the most.

Daily I think what about killing myself. I feel as thought no one (not even my daughter) would miss me. My daughter and I fight all the time and she gets very verbally abuses me on a daily basis. I cant stand the pain of being alone and no one caring about me. I have even stopped taking my anti depressants. They have been making me really sick. I take them and they make me nauseated. I just don't care if I take them. I have just given up.

vancouvermom2009 vancouvermom2009
46-50, F
3 Responses Mar 14, 2010

I sit here and read how I felt when writing this previous story and feel like nothing has changed. I have changed my meds but it seems as though nothing helps. Along with the stress of being a single mom of a daughter who is struggling with her own mental illness, work is becoming almost to much to bear. I'm a supervisor at a answering service and feel like I have no one that respects me. They will pretend to like me and want to work with me but then tell the management lies and horrible things about me. I'm so tired of dealing with people stabbing me in the back. Along with having no friends (by choice since every friend I've ever had has screwed me over) I'm basically feeling as though I just want to end all of it. I feel as though I matter to know one since they do not care how much they hurt me. I try to live my life by being as caring and thoughtful as I can. I would never dream of lying to make myself look better and it kills me inside that people do that to me. I'm so tired of living in a world that no one can be caring about anyone. I just want to scream it! This is why I have given up. People tell me to pray but I don't believe in any god as I feel if there was one, it wouldn't let people be the way they are. In the past I have prayed and not one of them was ever answered. So thus I do not believe in any god or higher power. I refuse to put my faith in any imaginary things. At this point, right now, I'm sitting here pondering if I can take one more breath in this screwed up world full of hateful and lying people. WHY??? Why is there no one who can care about me without wanting anything in return????? Love with out conditions is a fallacy. I'm so tired..... there are no answers to my questions. I'm full of so much pain inside I just want it to end.

thank you for your kind comments. My daughter has started therapy so shes getting help. Unfortunately, my insurance only covers about 10 visits a year to a therapist . So its not feasible for me to go as I cannot afford paying for additional visits. I guess I feel as thought I don't matter since every friend I have made in the last 15 years has abandoned me or moved and never contacted me again. <br />
<br />
I contacted my PCP and made a appointment to speak about possibly changing my medications to get one that doesn't tear my stomach apart. <br />
<br />
Thanks for reaching out.

Since I know what you are going through because I have been there myself, I would like to give you a little advice. First, if the anti-depressants are making you sick, call your doctor and get those meds changed. Especially since they don't seem to be helping. <br />
Second, being at the bottom of a pit and looking up into seeming nothingness does not mean you are alone, it just seems that way. There are many people who would like to help you and will if you allow them to. I will do all I can from Texas to help you, but all I can offer is a large virtual shoulder to put your head on and words of advice or soothing care, depending on what you desire. You need to help me help you.<br />
As far as killing yourself, DON'T! It is a very final end to a fairly temporary problem and there are many more that care about you and will miss you badly if you were to do that. Please seek medical help, including professional counseling for you and your daughter. And please realize that as a father, I have seen my daughter (now 24) go through this stage that your daughter is in and progress out of it, so it won't last forever. <br />
If you want to talk, just whistle...