Looking For _my_ Normal.

For the longest time ever since I was a child I never felt right. I always felt different and outcast from people. I had different tastes and habits from most children, but kept a front and forced myself to the habits and the norms of most children. (Examples: When other children who had foreign parents would get in trouble for not reading enough, I would get in trouble for reading too much at night, and my mom would even cut the power off at night so I couldn't.  Or when all my friends at 7-8 years old were listening to Ace of Base and such pop bands, I was hiding my love in listening for GnR, Aerosmith, Beatles, Black Sabbath, Depeche Mode, and OMD.) This and the state of verbal and my father's alcohol abuse did not help me feel any more normal as my parents would berate me for being different or strange. I always had trouble keeping focus and felt more and more a deep sadness within that would never go away. It lived inside but I was able to suppress it. As I grew older I found it growing more and I would get more tired or unable to do more activities. less motivated, until I in my 20s a high school drop out and homemaker, ended up going off the deep end and now I can not enjoy anything. I've been experiencing extreme anxiety in which I cannot leave the home on my own and need a trusted person with me at all times in the outside world. I have started medication but still am in its beginnings. I was also diagnosed with body dis morphia. I never realized how bad it was before until I found myself seeing pictures in my past and pictures now and realizing I saw myself so differently back then and now in the mirror versus photographs. I still wonder what reality is. All I can see on my face is baggy eyes and acne, even though I am told that they are not there, or it is because I am stressed. I have bad hair, too and apparently it isn't bad. I redress 3-5 times some days because I try to wear something that hides or flatters my physical shape or my face. It never works out completely as I find rolls or other problems that need to be hidden. I even have tried so many strange methods to clear myself of my under eye bags and acne. Some to extremes of putting lemon juice on my face. When people say they can't see that I still can. I want to look the way I did back when I was 18-19 not too thin and not too chubby. I want to not feel tired all the time and helpless. I want to be able to go outside on my own without taking one step out the door and running back inside to cry in my closet. I want to feel my own sense of "normal" because I know that the dark feeling inside of numbness and extreme sadness is not a part of me. Eventually I hope the confusion will go away with medical help and self work. I know it will take years but I am hopeful.

One day when this is all passed and I am secure with myself I hope to be able to reach out to others the way a very small few did for me, when no one else would help or would just casually say "What's wrong with you? Get over it." I want to be a bridge to those who need the help, but only after i surface from drowning and know the path to my normal.
AetherNosE AetherNosE
22-25, F
1 Response Jul 24, 2007

Good for you for realising you have a problem and being determined to work through it! :-)