24 Year Battle Still Ongoing

I have battled mild to moderate depression and by myself since I was 12. I have battled severe anxiety for as long as I can remember. My father was hospitalized for depression 32 years ago and my mom and two of my siblings have been on anxiety medication of and on over the years. I choose not to seek treatment because I don't want to be on a daily medication for the rest of my life. I am one of the lucky ones because I can get out of bed in the morning and go about my day. I have had times of suicidal thoughts and intent but somethings has always brought me back. When I get to my worst I used alcohol to numb the pain but not to the point that it my functioning. My husband is the only one that knows and he doesn't know the full extent of it. I think of this as my problem to deal with and I shouldn't bother anyone else with this. We can't afford counselling but I'm considering it more and more due to other issues in my life. But sometimes I'm afraid that the darkness will take me and I won't be able to come back.
angrytp angrytp
36-40, F
1 Response Jan 14, 2013

Fear not ur worst thoughts, check ur area there are some clinic do on sliding acale fee by income. Ur compended have done so well alone. Each of is need help some more help than others. Nice u notice it time more professional help, show u wantto help ur self feel better. Feelings, thoughts, and family history give raise to events that sometimes overwhelm us. That normal, some us need help to continue coping, n meds at times. Just image one world full of healthy people all around us beauty n happy people. Hang in there check ur are free clinic n try calling first call for help to see what available. Ur not alone pray someone help u get what uneed feel better