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Downward Spiral

I have been working on my problems and trying really hard not to go back to where I was in life before, but there have still been some tough situations. The moajority of them I handle with either walking away from it or just listening to music or seomthing to get my head doing something else. The past few weeks have been bad for no reason, I hate it. Nothing really horrible has happened, but for some reason my mind just keeps saying how **** I am and won't let me focus on doing my school work or focus at the gym. It's like a little voice keeps telling me what is the point of trying im never gonna be good at anything, I should just give up, nothing you do will be good enough, etc. I can't take it anymore even tho I no it's just a weird temporary situation it just gets to me sometimes. I started cutting a tiny bit and burning myself a lot more again. One thing that I don't like doing is drinking to get rid of the problems because I get super depressed the following week, but sometimes its worth it to just escape for a few hrs and not have to deal with inside my head for a bit.

This weekend my friend called me and said he had a ton of meat and wants to BBQ all of it and get smashed. I have been dyeing for a drink so bad an I love BBQ espically when its warm and sunny like this weekend was so I said I would be there. I went over on friday night and we cooked a ton of food and everyone was haveing fun and was super drunk, good times all around. Saturday I woke up and was slightly depressed and worried about small thing, but after the day started I was fine and started to clean up the mess from night before. I also stayed over Saturday night and we continue to BBQ everything that was left and again good times. So I come home Sunday from a pretty fun and hilariouse weekend which I was so thankfull to do since I been stressed from school and haveing my mind hateing on me. As soon as I got home I went to my room and see my retard mom moved everything around and completly changed the way I had my room set up. I can't find any of my stuff and now I have to re-organize everything when I should be finishing the last of my school projects since school is so close to being done. Like how would you feel if someone came into your office when you were away and moved all the files you were working on and made a huge mess while you were bussy and did not have time to deal with it? Needless to say I snapped so hard and after a weekend of getting ****** up I was not in the mental state to handle a super retarted problem like this that should not have ever happened. I tried to calm down and took a shower and when I got out I started to set everything back up the way it was. I had a candy pile that I have collect over the year since I do not eat candy and Im looking at it and so many things are missing. WTF! So that was it I started screaming at my mom and she said she took a bunch of stuff she wanted and than gave it back only there wasn't everything there. She kept saying that was all she took untill after like 5min she finally admited to eating this really expensive chocolate I had that I actauly wanted to eat. I don't really give a **** about the candy since im not going to eat it anyway, but to steal half of it and eat some and saying how whats the difference and **** is unexceptable. It's mine, why the **** should she be allowed to just take anything than lie about it and mix up all my sorted stuff in my room. It just doesn't make sense espically since she should no that im gonna snap. After screaming at her so much I didn't no what to do to take ut my anger and seriously came the closest I ever have to just beating the **** outa her. Instead I did something equaly as dumb and listened to that little voice saying that even tho I was away and had no control over this it was still my fault. I took my razor and cut a tiny cut on my forarm, I didn't even feel it and I need much more blood and pain to solve the problem. I took my shirt off and put the razor to my my skin. I started to cut slowly for about 3 inhes but there was no blood or scratch I dodn't get it. I stoped thankfully instead of going like double the amount I was planning to and looked at the cut and it was super deep compared to what I thought was gonna happen. It cut down to the skin where its all white and opened up about a cm. I started to bleed a little but wasn't actualy too bad. I didn't no what to do, my arm was bleeding and now i had this ******* huge tear in my chest. I got a kleenex to stop the bleeding as best I could and definitely Should go to get stiches to keep it together, but no way im about to ask my mom to drive me there and I do not want to take the bus so the next best thing I figured has to be hold it closed and put a band aid over it and hope it heals it self shut. Tthe cut was bigger than I thought and I needed two band aids to get a good seal to hold all of it.

Im stupid I no, im gonna have this horrible scar now and am worried it will open when I do chest workouts. Worst part about that is if I do no do chest workouts Im gonna get less definded and hate myself even more. I don;t no what to do anymore I don't wanna go to a rehab or psychiatrist to deal  with all this ****, but I can't handle all of it. This wasn't even a super huge problem and I did something dumb. I don't want to no what will happen when i am faced with a really seriouse problem.

boby6 boby6 22-25, M 2 Responses Apr 25, 2010

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i know exactly how u feel.. everytime i would get angry or sad or just any emotion i didn't want to deal with or couldnt handle...I would always end up cutting myself... and i ended up hating myself more for that..I'm so sorry and i know its hard but you have to have the strength to stop..cutting used to be something that i did daily..it helped me get thru so many things...but I always felt like **** afterwards...I'm happy to say that i have stopped cutting..without the help of anyone..i did see a therapist but that was for other stuff... i didn't like going so i stopped...but i decided myself that it was time to stop n i'm so proud...the last time i cut was january of 2009..i think i had a small relapse somewhere between..i wrote about it here somewhere...I know u can stop..don't think of yourself as worthless...its far from the truth...

It sounds like you're in a terrible situation. I can relate to having an evil mother, and to having a voice inside saying something like "you're worthless." I can't say what will work for you, but for me the trick was to remind myself of the things that WERE good about me. I made an honest list of all my good qualities - then spent a few minutes each day reciting them. This helped to strengthen the neural connections in my brain between "self" and "awesome" - connections that were weak from not being used for most of my life. I hope things get better for you.