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My Depressin Controls Me

I don't know where to begin I've battled with depression on and off for years as a teenager growing up I was convinced my family hated me and that I  wasn't good enough for them. My dad drinks alot and would come home yellling and screaming at me letting me know how I'll never measure up, he'd hit me, but mostly it was just words he used to hurt. My mom would usually just walk away or ignore it, which hurt alot too. I have an older sister who would fight back, even called the police on him. I was never like that I held all the bad feelings in and would cut myself to feel better. My dad would threaten to kill me so many times because I was sick alot. I think thats how my depression started with not feeling good enough for my parents as long as I can remember I've aimed to please people I don't like anyone being upset with me or disapointed in me. I did have alot of friends growing up I was hardly home did alot of partying never drugs but did drink and smoke cigarettes with friends. My first bf was very abusive to me verbally and physically I actually thought it was normal. We were together for almost 2 years. I ended up pregnant at 16 which was another mistake I made and my parents tried making me have an abortion I refused, I wanted my baby. When I was half way through the pregnancy my bf and I got into a fight and he took a baseball bat to me and in the end I lost her. Everyone was happy that I was no longer pregnant and to hide how i was really feeling I started cutting and drinking so much more I ended up having a drinking accident where I overdosed and wound up in a coma my blood alcohol level was 3.9 I almost died I didn't wake up again for 2 weeks and when i did finally wake up I cried because I did. I've talked to more then one therapist which honestly never helped me not against them or anything just not for me. I was hospitilized for depression and suicide tendacies after I was released I met the man I am now married to. I was 17 when we met he had two beautiful twin girls just babies so I dropped out of high school we got married and yes my family likes him. It's been 13 years that we've been married and I'm very happy with him he's a wonderful man who never gets abusive, he takes very good care of me I can honestly say I love him with my whole heart and his children who I consider mine as I've raised them. My depression, anxiety and panic attacks have gotten worse to the point where I refuse to leave my house I no longer cut my husband can't deal with that which I understand, I do still drink but not like I once did. I went from having lots of friends to none can't expect to hold onto friends when you refuse to leave the house and go anywhere with them I know that so I understand why they drifted away. I'm not suicidal anymore but everyday is a struggle to get through in 2001 I lost another baby another little girl she was still born with no answers as to why since that day I've given up I just can't get myself to want to live to do normal everyday things. Yes my husband understands she's not the only baby we lost so he knows thats why I struggle with depression and leaving the house and all but  does effect everything he wants me to go out and I just can't. I don't sleep good nightmares and all when I do finally sleep it's after the twins leave for school, I hardly eat thats mostly a health issue I'm not exactly healthy. I don't drive or work, I have tried holding down jobs in the past but with the depression and my health I can't hold on to them so since given up. So now I stay home everyday I do function I get up to take care of the girls and my husband I cook and clean but he has to run all the errands. On the outside I look very normal and happy but I'm really not I have no idea how to get past all of this and function again.

Anyways thats my story sorry it's so long.

3angels 3angels 31-35, F 3 Responses May 11, 2010

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Sounds like you were the family scapegoat. I also suggest you look into some self help books, they do help.

I've never heard of mindfulness training. It is something I will look into because I do want things to be different I would like to leave my house and got out if only I could get pasted these panic attacks. Thank you wundayatta for your comment and advice.

Your story sounds both awful and promising. That was one hell of a childhood!<br />
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I wanted to say that I think you should look at mindfulness training. It seems to be very effective with anxiety, depression and panic attacks. It teaches you that they are just thoughts and feelings. Interesting, but not you. It requires daily practice, but you might find that it becomes a refuge from the world.