Falling Again.

What does it mean to be happy? What does it mean to be sad?
I don't think I can even answer those questions.
Especially not when my mind is this fragile.
I know when I start falling into depression. I feel a pit in my stomach.
It feels as though I'm missing something important, extremely important.
Y'know when you get the "butterflies" around that person you like?
That's what this is but less intense. Less Queasy. Less lust filled.
And more agony. More uncertainty. More anguish and feelings of failure and defeat.
I can feel myself getting cold. My legs shake. My eyes dart.
My mind races, trying to make sense of one thousand things at once.
My heart races thinking of the goals I haven't achieved, the ambitions I will never reach and everything I've done wrong.
My palms sweat profusely.
I can always feel myself falling further down.
Sometimes I can stop it. I can stop it and say quietly to myself "Don't do this to youself. Please don't. Eventually everything will be okay."
I make myself persevere and fight against all odds. No matter how hard.
But tonight I can feel myself slipping and I can't catch myself.
My anxiety is building. My uncertainty follows along with self defeat.
I can't control it. I can't hold on.
My rock is flying across the continent for a week.
And all I can think is that I need him now.
I need to hear his voice.
I need to be reminded of just how special life is and be calmed.
I love my Uncle dearly but I'm having trouble remembering his voice. I need the next best thing.
I need him to just say for the umpteenth time that everything will work out, I'll help you all the way. I need that comfort.
I need his energy and strength.
I just need some reassurance that I am strong and will be okay.
I need life to make sense for once. I need a break, just once.

FightHate FightHate
22-25, F
1 Response May 21, 2010

Sometimes, darting eyes indicate shame. Sometimes, shaking legs and sweating indicate fear. Sometimes, racing thoughts indicate guilt or anger. I spent most of my life not realizing that my own darting eyes, shortness of breath, racing thoughts and negative outlook indicated that I was feeling strong emotions.<br />
<br />
Of course, sometimes all these things happen for other reasons - I don't know your situation, so I'm not sure. I hope things work out for you.