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Denial

When I finally hit rock bottom and was told I have bipolar, I realized that I had been battling depression all my life.  Growing up with the  mentality of "Children do not speak unless spoken too," did not help matters.  After seeing my mom so badly beaten by my biological father then never seeing him again to my mother being on her 4th marriage and I ending my marriage, I have a lot to work through.
I became promiscuous at the age of 12 and experimenting with recreational drugs.  My mother abandon my two brother's and I when I was 14 and finally returned to my life when I was about to turn 16.  I always did what I was told to so I could have some freedom as a teenager to get out of the house.
I became pregnant at 17, then married.  Everything on the outside seemed great, we bought our first house when we were both 20 and we were both very stable in our careers.
To say the least, I was tired of doing what everyone told me to do or what was expected of me because I was not happy.  No one is happy with my decision, but I am happy and I feel like I can breathe.  I still battle with depression because I don't know how to live without depending on someone else to tell me what to do or what is right or wrong.  I am sad because I should be able to do these things, but I feel like I don't know who I am, what I like and it is a difficult thing to go through alone.
I am happy and I will have my bad days along with the good ones and I look forward to the bad ones to challenge me to get through it without breaking down, calling my doctor or withdrawing from the world.  This is something I have learned to accept that is part of me and I can learn to live a happy life.


 
lovelifebebrave lovelifebebrave 26-30, F 4 Responses May 28, 2010

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Wow - you're an amazing person. The path you're on is beautiful. It's pretty normal to not know who you are, especially with a past like yours. I'm in a similar place - trying to figure out who I am and how to live life without having someone tell me what to do. I was a very dependent person before, and so the people I attracted into my life were the sorts of controlling people who liked to tell me what to do. By telling me what to do, they fulfilled their own selfish needs. As you can guess - they didn't like the fact that I chose to grow up. What you're doing is exactly right, despite what they say.

It sounds like you need to try some new things in life, especially in dealing with your problems.<br />
<br />
Research the following:<br />
<br />
L-Theanine<br />
L-Glutamine<br />
Vitamin B5<br />
Bio-Tuner By Sota Intruments (buy electrode gel separately for better results) B5 helps it more.<br />
Ayahuasca.

I used to think that medication could not help and it did not for a while. Even now, I am still trying to find one that is effective. One 5 different one's right now is not fun, but it definitely makes a difference.

Sounds like me. but ive only learned to take good advice. i havent felt sad for years until last week now for the first time in my life ive agreed to take medication cause no matter how hard i tried i couldnt shake the blues now im fine.