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Chasing Something Real Or A Ghost?

What if you're all mixed up and don't know what's up or down anymore and you chase after someone for something that existed long ago?  How do you know if it's right?  It's a hurt that hasn't gone away- ever.  I used to have a family a long time ago.  I loved, LOVED, my wife and my son.  Losing them (although my son is with me now, again) broke me in a way I could never piece together again, no matter how hard I tried.  And I tried so hard to put my life back together.  But I see now how all the major decisions of my life after were severely impacted and skewed by this event.  My bout with alcoholism, dysfunction (yes, of THAT kind), poor relationship skills, another marriage that was choppy at best and stormy at worst.  Enlisting in the Army, then going back in again (that actually was a pretty good decision, miss my old unit).  Now, seperated and pending divorce, my finances and credit is absolutely destroyed.  But I was the one that made these decisions.  So why do I let it color all these decisions?  Why do I still chase after something that imploded a long time ago?  What is wrong with me?
deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jun 9, 2010

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I look back at the decisions I have made and do the same. I think everyone has regrets. There have been so many bad things that have happened to me that I have often wondered, "What did I do to deserve this?" Looking back at times when we were REALLY happy may make us feel good temporarily. However, the "what if" always tears us apart inside. I agree with Anothergal on this one. You could be missing out on something great in the present time. Look forward more than you look back. Concentrate on something that could make you happy NOW. Once your new found happiness is discovered the old happiness will not be your focus. You will be able to move ahead and plan for the future.