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Help


I'm 20 years old and I don't know what it's like to live without depression. I don't know what to do anymore. I have been in therapy on and off for years, tried three different types of medication, even more or less completely changed the way I think about things. I've tried heavy exercise, eating different foods, vitamins, surrounding myself with people, isolating myself, reaching out, shutting everyone out. At times it feels like I'm making progress or taking steps forward, but it always comes back. In the end nothing really helps.

Over the last few months I exercised a control over my depression I had never achieved before. I felt like I was emotionally stable to a level unheard of for me, because I frequently break down and cry, even over little things. But even then nothing felt right. The things that I normally enjoy, I couldn't get any enjoyment out of. The people I normally love, I couldn't bring myself to care about. And I couldn't think of a single thing to look forward to, I just went through the motions of living and hoped eventually, I'd find a passion for something again. But eventually my inability to feel any sort of strong positive feeling just made me break down again. I do not want to live a life with no love or pleasure.

I loathe myself, and I'm tearing apart all my friendships with the barriers I create with my self-destructive mind. I am not completely alone, but even my greatest loves and friendships can only numb the depression for a few weeks at best.

Is it a vain hope that I would like to one day live without depression? My last counselor always told me depression was perfectly treatable, but it's becoming hard for me to see how mine could ever disappear. I don't know for sure when it developed, but I've had symptoms of it since my first memories, when I was four years old. My paternal grandmother committed suicide before I was born as a result of a prolonged struggle with depression. My mom, and three of my dad's cousin all struggle with depression from time to time. I have never been the type of person to just accept things are the way they are because they are, but with my depression it often feels inevitable and uncurable. I'm getting desperate. If there is any hope for me to live without this disorder, I want to seize it sooner than later. But I just don't know where to turn. I don't know what to try that I haven't tried already.

I do not want to live my whole life with depression.
viciouscircles viciouscircles 18-21 1 Response Jun 11, 2010

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I can empathize with your situation. Not long ago - I went through a major depression. I sunk lower and lower everyday and slowly withdrew from my life. My work suffered, my friendships suffered - I eventually reached the point where I just didn't care anymore. I lashed out at people, hated myself for doing it. I reached a point so low that I started to feel like I was watching someone else live my life, and if they quit their job or yelled at someone, it wouldn't matter. <br />
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My friends left, and my family was completely useless - they just made me feel worse. I reached a point where I had no hope, no connections to the rest of the human race, and no reason to go on. I didn't even care about getting better - what was the point?<br />
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What you said about self-loathing and creating barriers really hit home for me because I hated myself. All my accomplishments seemed worthless, and all my bad actions seemed irredeemable. I built mile-thick barriers around my heart and withdrew completely because I didn't want to drag people down with me. <br />
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Despite all this, I held on - and eventually something unexpected happened that allowed me to turn my downward spiral into an upward climb. I still battle feelings of worthlessness, and I'm still pretty shelled up - but things are better now, SO much better. I'd like to say that things will get better for you, but I don't know your situation, so I can't know that. What I can tell you is that I fell lower than I thought a person could possibly fall, and I made it out in one piece. No matter how bad things get, they can get better.<br />
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One other thing: When you get depressed, that's your mind's way of telling you that something's wrong. You can medicate it, ignore it, take drugs to dull it, you can even try to f--- it away - but it'll stay with you until you fix the 'something wrong' that it was telling you about. The only reason that depression ever lingers is because we don't make the changes we need to make.<br />
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I hope you find your way to happiness.