I Am Losing This Fight, A Little More, Everyday...

I try so hard.  I refuse to wallow in the way I feel, but some days ( most days, some weeks), it is too much. 

I feel alone.  I feel lost... sick, tired, hurt, hollow, worthless, cut-off - and sometimes, like I deserve every last little bit of it.

I am running out of hope.  I am running out of my will to fight this.  It really does feel like a battle most days, and it is a battle I am losing.

Occasionally I will have a couple of good days.  I get up and out, do things, feel hopeful and happy.  These days just make the bad one's feel worse.  Makes the fall back into the darkness that much worse.

I go to work.  I make small talk.  I smile and laugh and joke.  I do my best to not infect the people around me with my pain.

But, in the end, that just leaves me feeling even more alone. 
Iamnobodywhoareyou Iamnobodywhoareyou
22-25, F
7 Responses Jun 11, 2010

Have been in a much better place for a few days, and when I go back and read the things I've written, sometimes it feels like someone else. My depression comes and goes. Severe highs and lows. When I'm in the deepest parts of it, I can't see tomorrow... forget seeing into next week. It feels like I will hurt that way forever. When I have good days, I almost forget the bad one's are on the horizon.<br />
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Things do get better... for a little while. I just wish I could figure out how to keep them better before they get bad again. So often, it just comes out of nowhere. I wake up and instantly feel like someone's punched me in the stomach. I spiral down so fast... then, it's gone.<br />
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It's not like on the good days, I feel "happy". I'm just not miserable. If I think about things too hard, I still feel lonely, and worthless, and cut-off. These things just aren't at the front of my mind, the negative-voices quiet a bit and I almost feel... normal. <br />
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Thank you all, for your support during this particularly bad down. I didn't "talk" about it, but writing about it really did help. And reading about other people's struggles made me feel a little less crazy.

No, I am NOT nobody too. <br />
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There's a special sort of kindness that drives a person to hide their pain when it gets really, really bad. It's unhealthy, yes, but don't forget that it's also kind. <br />
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I know where you're coming from. Not long ago, I went through a deep depression. I felt worse and worse, wore a fake smile, eventually dropped the fake smile and just became cold and standoffish. I sunk lower and lower until I started feeling like I was watching my life instead of living it. I reached the point where I gave up - I didn't care anymore. I yelled at people and hated myself for doing it, and I didn't care. I didn't think things would ever get better, but I held on. When I was at my lowest, something unexpected happened that helped me turn the downward spiral into an upward climb - and I'm much happier now. <br />
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I still struggle with feelings of worthlessness, and I probably always will - but things are better than they were. SO much better. I can't say that things will get better for you since I don't know your situation, but I can say from personal experience that no matter how bad things get, they can get better.

I don't really have to worry much about the people around me leaving if I don't act happy... I don't have anyone around me. The people I fake it with are aquaintences, at best. People I work with, the guy at the gas station that sells me my smokes, strangers on the street. I guess I just don't see the sense in advertising the fact that I am miserable, and why dampen their days? I suppose if I had someone around me, an actual friend, then I would be honest about how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.

yea I know how u feel sometimes I feel like I am still in that same place. The days that I feel like that I try and stay positive it's not easy to do but I manage and somehow I get through the day but as of lately I just been feeling good about things and I got God and friends to thank for that.

Well, thats normal for being depressed. It only gets harder overtime<br />
but dont lose hope; i know it sounds cliche but be positive

hahaha -- gotta love EP -- see this is the beauty, no matter what, we can share strength and gain hope -- i will not give up on ME and you shouldn't (can't) give up on YOU -- your friend will be looking for you real soon when they get back ... keep on faking it till you make it -- oo is that me laughing? first time today ...

Every day I'm not depressed is a bonus day. I know I'll be back there, but right now, I'm not, and I am grateful.<br />
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It happens. I don't think you should expect yourself to be well. So then you can be grateful when you are, and not so upset when you aren't. Expectation management. I also think that if you stop pretending, people can care for you and you won't put so much pressure on yourself. Pretending makes you hyperaware of the difference between your face to the world and who you really are. It is not helpful, I think, to try to be someone you aren't. It makes it worse. It is such pressure to act. You can't keep it up. Maybe that's what's keep you from getting out.<br />
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Please be yourself. You can deal with it. Others can deal with it. No one has to deal with a fake person. If they leave because you are Debbie Downer, they leave. You know they weren't real friends. You still have a big weight off your shoulders, and that could be enough to let you float higher up.<br />
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I hereby give you permission to be yourself.<br />
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Wundayatta!<br />
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Hey! Iamnobodywhoareyou?<br />
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Are you nobody, too?<br />
Emily Dickinson should be the patron saint of the depressed. So many of her poems are so perfect.<br />
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because I would not stop for death<br />
he kindly stopped for me<br />
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(sung to the tune of the "yellow rose of Texas."<br />
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(if that don't diminish suicide's power, you're probably six feet under already)