My Husband Acts Like He Resents Me

I am secretly depressed because I have a husband who pays me no attention.  Whenever I ask him to go somewhere with me, it is always a problem.  When he does consent to go, he is always in a rush.  I usually go to movies, plays, out to eat, etc with friends or alone.  We bought a vacation home but he rarely wants to go there because he will miss his activies at home. He is out of the house most of the time because of his many activities.   He always tells me he loves me and that I am so great, but on the other hand, he continues to remind me that I'm not that great.  He relishes his friends and will take their side against me if there is a confrontation.    We were coming home from a cruise and had a two hour stopover in Amsterdam.  Since I had never been there, I wanted to stop in a few stores in the airport to look around.  He was in such a rush because he claimed that he was afraid that we would miss the flight--actually, he is very controlling in his own way.  So, we sat in the holding hour for about two hours  and waited for the flight.  We could have easily stopped in a store for twenty minutes.  His comment was that we had seen enough and should be satisfied.  What do you think is up with him?  Thanks for listening.
cprl3 cprl3
46-50
9 Responses Jul 10, 2010

I am bi polar in the worst form. My husband has been since 1985 not willing to be more patient, I started sex denial three days after his return from the navy in hopes that one day things at work, in society and with his father would somehow shake out in a couple of years.
In 1987 they became even worse with my husbands refusal to let any one dictate the time he should take a vacation based on their needs instead of his seniority. when I had begged him to back off going on a June vacation to Rome to allow a girl with nine years less seniority go with us and get married, If my husband took his right under seniority she would have had to pick a different time, and place. So on the trip realizing how ticked off my husband was about our request and my refusal to live up to a promise I had made about not pushing his seniority for two years. we as a family, his father and his friends on the trip decided that my husband should take his vacation at a time nobody wanted, between the 2nd of January to the 14th of February in the 24 years until Mrsa entered his spin things became so bad trying to convince him to observe the social and political hierarchy in the area instead of hit everyone between the eyes with the contract, every thing that was needed he was either blackmailed and even intimidated into doing, Most of us with the sometimes terrible arguments about working holidays he had a right to take off, just got so tired of his yelling back at us. Then the armed intimidation started in 2001, He would even invite someone to shoot him if they were man enough That was in 2014, I have seen him kick men out of a moving car when they were escorting him into work on a holiday he turned down. those two men are still getting grafts. Hes broken his fathers neck when he intruded on last years vacation trip, he caused people to lose their families like on one Christmas he did not want to work the down week for a man that claimed religious reasons for not working. My husband decided to show him up for the Christian he was by putting a folder on a pew at church, My husband knew since the man was a church deacon he had a certain place he sat, The folder contained pictures of him going into a motel with a topless dancer. That was a Christmas that turned sad fast when his wife pick up the folder started crying and yelling what a cheater her husband was. the pastor had to hold the Christmas service up to deal with them. They left the service.
The more he defied everyone was the final straw in letting hive the life he expected, We decided he was never going to have a life he wanted.
In November 2001 he decided at that point that he was not going to even talk about a decision to take a new job, I went to him and promised the greatest sex experience he would ever have, that the next job and shift he wanted. I would not even try and talk him out of vacations and holidays any more if he just stayed on second shift and let another man with 15 years less seniority have the job he had bid on, All the sudden I am called tramp, because while he work other men went to functions with me as an escort, told me he wanted me dead so he could get another wife who would stand with him instead of in front of him making promises that were never going to be kept,
The next morning what I had been afraid of for 16 years happened. I just thought my husbands defiance would get him bad hurt when four men came to put my husband in his place, He was so scared he was laughing at what they thought was going to happen as my husband turned our porch into a blood bath.
I am so tired of trying to get him to agree.

Oh Boy if I didn't know better I'd say I'm reading how I am being treated. Worst yet my hubby is intellectually challenged and I am not. And although he says he loves me. The other day we argued and the first thing came out of his mouth was with all your Degrees and education look where you are now! This did two things it snapped me. So I did something for myself for once (I had given up my job, to move back into his town to look after his relative). I rebelled, I started going out with others not wearing my wedding ring. I also volunteered to a number of places. Suddenly this lady aint there to wash socks anymore, she aint there with dinner on the table. She is saying "I'll see if I can fit you in MY SCHEDULE." Do you know he was at work yesterday and rang me TWICE Just to see if I would be at home WHEN HE ARRIVED.

If that don't work love I hate to say it but get a detective because his "activities," might be taking him elsewhere and he's playing the Cockrel in the henhouse game. You know if one don't work he has another to fall back on and that could be you. Let us know what happens

Looks like you r telling about my husband,partly....

he's totally controlling - and you should start taking back your life by practicing self-care and doing what you want - don't take it personal - just say "I'll meet you where ever whenever" then go do your thing

Your husband is having an affair. He wants to have his cake and control you too. If you stay with him without seeking counseling, he will continue down this rabbit hole.

FaithandTime, I don’t know how you got that I think ALL men are heartless, let alone her husband, or that I was implying that her husband doesn’t love her… you can love someone but regret marrying them; I know that first hand.<br />
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If you don't agree with my opinion that's fine, but that does not give you the right to invalidate it here by jumping to a bunch of wild conclusions about what I’m supposedly implying or how I feel about men in general.

I an not sure about the loving you but one thing is clear in your story. What he is showing you is a lack of respect. In any relationship, respect is huge. His controlling nature is perhaps hiding some inner fears that he feels about himself. No matter what he feels, you feel bad about your marriage and that is a big problem. <br />
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He is happy with things they way they are. Have you tried to tell him how unhappy you are feeling? That his siding with his friends against you hurts you and your marriage? <br />
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Without knowing more, I think that he enjoys pushing your emotional buttons and gets some reward from this. He may feel that he is giving you enough to keep you but telling him how much the marriage is hurting might open up his eyes a bit.

"I think he regrets marrying you and is punishing you for it" ... based on what judgement? I am sick of bitter women portraying men as some kind of emotionless neanderthal void of any ability to feel.<br />
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Sorry about the first line. I will at least try to offer some advice on how to get tot he bottom of it, there are hundreds of problems or insecuritie he may have going round his head.<br />
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It could be paranioa, ocd, depression... the list goes on.<br />
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I think the only thing to do is sit him down and talk, find out what is going on? Have you asked him or questioned him about it before? He may not even realise you feel this way... its a vicious circle of behaviour. <br />
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Honestly and Openness are much under rated parts of a relationship.<br />
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UItimatums and purposely annoying people is not the way forward because all you do is habour more rescentment.... both of you.<br />
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In your airport scenario, maybe a simple suggestion of you go and make sure we don't miss it, I'll meet you there is 30 mins... don't force an argument, just simply state an alternative solution? <br />
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Jumping to conclusions and asking other people won't help you, the only people that really know what is going on in each others heads are you two... the big problem at the moment is you don;t know what is going on in each others heads.<br />
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He could insecure of you and thats why he is afraid to let you out of his sight?<br />
He could developed OCD so he see's you as an ob<x>ject to organise... <br />
If he is suffering from Depression it hard to see the world around you focusing on yourself, it feelins awful from the outside, but talking will make it so much better.<br />
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Go and have a chat and don't worry about the comment above which as far as I can see was only giving you an impression that your not loved... this may not and probably is not the problem...<br />
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Keep calm, have a beer, have a chat, talk, laugh.

I think he regrets marrying you and is punishing you for it.<br />
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I am going through similar things with my husband- he will be sickly sweet to be sometimes (buy flowers for me, cook dinner, etc.) but then he will continously do things that annoy me. For example, I suffer from insomnia but I work full time, so I need any sleep I can get because more times than not I can't sleep. My husband will do things like not turn the TV down enough when I go to bed or turn it back up once he thinks I'm asleep and either wake me up or keep me from sleeping despite many, many requests to turn it down and keep it down. He will also wake me up if he "hears a noise" or "saw car lights" in the middle of the night before investigating any futher despite repeated requests to allow me to sleep unless the house is burning down or someone is actually breaking in the house to kill us.<br />
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I am not perfect, but all in all my husband has a pretty good life- I have a good job so he doesn't have to work much (he's a general contractor), we have a nice house, our families get along well together and for the most part he can do whatever he wants. He is obviously not perfect either, but I decided long ago to put on my big girl panties and make the best of our marriage despite it's faults. <br />
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It has finally gotten to the point where I'm not hiding this and other behaviours that my husband is doing- I am hitting him where it hurts and letting our families know what he is doing. I never said anything to anyone before because I didn't want to hurt him and I don't really like dragging everyone else into our business, but after years of this BS I've finally have had enough and it is my last straw.<br />
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In your case, next time you are in a situation with your husband like you were in at the airport, go to the stores anyway with or without him... what is he going to do; grab you and drag you back to holding or wherever? Just make sure you get back to wherever you need to be before time so you don't give him justification to behave the way he does. If he gets mad, pouts, or walks off, let him- you can't control him, but in the same token, he shouldn't try to control you either. If he really is so horribly unhappy with you, he has two productive choices- either take steps to make it better or file for divorce. Anything in between is just game-playing and just makes things worse, so therefore it should be unacceptable. <br />
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Good luck to you.