Who Am I

I think my depression has a lot to do with the not having my own identity. I look to others for validation of who I am. I then end up wearing a lot of "masks" which leads to a great deal of frustration. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel numb, like I've buried my emotions deep inside and cannot really determine how I feel. Yet, the fear of not being accepted is overwhelming and causes me to make impulsive decisions. I don't really take the time to weigh how I really think or feel. Now its starting to catch up to me and I am realizing that I haven't really lived- just existed. I surrendered so many things that I valued, goals that I am beginning to remember that I had years ago, I gave up who I am- and for what? Approval? Whose approval? And what good is approval if I am in misery?

Approval is an addiction. It clings to me like a drug and I can't seem to be able to live without it even though I am not happy. Thought about finding a 12 step group like co-dependents annonymous or such to see
wolfgirl71 wolfgirl71
36-40, F
2 Responses Jul 12, 2010

As an adult child of alcoholics I can relate to pretty much everything you're saying. I've lived a major part of my life in-authentically because that was how I survived my childhood and I never knew any other way. Any sort of dysfunction in a family can cause this. It won't be easy but you can get better. You'll have to change habits of thinking and the way you've viewed yourself (as a victim, as invalid) for years. It's not an easy task but it sounds like you're at least aware of what's going on and like margievela said that is a great start. Keep asking yourself in any situation "What do I want?" (emphasis on the "I"). I'd recommend reading some good books on co-dependency as well as co-dependents anonymous. Best of luck.

I think the fact that you are realizing this is a BIG step for you! Now that you know this, you can do things that make YOU happy. You may not know what YOU actually enjoy doing. Now is the time to figure that out. Good luck!