Pooring My Heart Out

There's two things I just can't get past that just make life such a burden. The first is my brain, I always feel like I have to try 200% to get even the simplest tasks done. It's really frustrating trying to talk to people or perform tasks required for work when I'm afraid of what I'm going to do wrong next or what kind of reputation I'm going to leave. I've found the things I tend to struggle with most is listening, remembering, and following instructions (be it reading or verbal). Now I'll admit some of it is probably me getting so anxious that I make it out harder for myself, but on the other hand I did find out I had an umbilical chord that choked me and the doctors said there was a higher chance I would come out mentally retarded. The second is social anxiety, I think it all started and gets worse from my first problem. It's sad, at work I ran out of work to do for the day and I was upset because I had all the time in the world to talk to my co-workers but I was so worried that I would say stupid things, or have awkward pauses because I didn't know what to talk about and creep out people. The closest I get to being compfortable is joining a group conversation then leaving when it becomes a one on one conversation. The fact that I've had alot of work to do the previous weeks gave me the ability to leave a conversation anytime because I could say I had to get back to work.. but when I and they know there's no more work to be done I kind of feel trapped into social conversation, that's where the true social anxiety kicks in. It makes me feel like I'm just thrown on stage without any props or lines.. It's a very confidence shattering experience. Anyway I have tried doing some things more than just worrying and writing my self-loathing posts, Recently I joined a SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) support group and I can say it does help ease the anxiety I have, but I feel like I will stay where I'm at if I can't get passed the first problem. I kind of want to find a doctor or specialist who could diagnose me or anything that would help me figure out if its all really in my head, or if there are actual things that can be done to significantly improve my mental power. Any advise or help would be appreciated.
Lookingforhappiness Lookingforhappiness
18-21, M
2 Responses Jul 16, 2010

such a young age to be suffering so much. yet you kept me reading yr story wth intrigue. you sound as if u no yrself well enough to try and get better by addressing each component of yr cycle. i have several problems myself wat has help is a therapy called C.B.T.... cognitive behavoiural therapy. basically is mind over matter technique. ths therapy is becoming more and more in the treatment of mental disorders. i have severe depression,bulimia and my son has autisum ,my son suffers extreme anxiety .and i use C.B.T for all these areas and makes a big difference. (especially for my sons anxieties) there are some good books around, ask yr doctor or pschologist. good luck

I know how you feel. I don't have any answers. No doctor has ever helped me and drugs are not even close to an answer fo me but if I stay busy and live my life I can always handle it. Which is what i'm guessing from your post is your problem. Your life isn't moving fast enough for you to ignore your problems. Find a doctor be honest and see if they can help. If not then find things to do. Don't make small talk it's a horrid thing to people who have no problems. clean your desk, check your email, do anything you have ignored. If you keep moving you can't crash.