Help. Getting Kicked Down Repetitively Is Really Hurting.

I'm getting tired of getting back up again.

I'm used to disappointment, but I can't stop it from hurting every single time it happens. I'm always surprised, for the most part, even though I can be pretty cynical.

In a nutshell here's the briefest of what's been going on:

I've never really been given an easy shot at anything in life. Not many people where I am from get anything easily. It's a poor rural community where drug and domestic abuse are sadly the norm, and my parents are no exception to this. I scraped my way through physical and emotional abuse as a kid and made it to college on my own. I put myself through 4 years of undergrad. I graduated summa *** laude. And like an idiot I took a major that is entirely useless. Because for once in my life I wanted to have fun. I wanted hope that I could do something I loved to do.

Now, I graduated and every career opportunity falls through. The business is shut-down entirely because of the economy. I accept this fact, drink the bitter reality of it, and move on. I take a horrible depressing job that I hate, but thank god can pay my bills at the least. My best friend of ten years is finishing up her Master's degree. I agree to stay with her for a couple of years and work. She encourages me to get back to what I love to do. Says she'll be with me every step of the way. I get my hopes up. I apply to graduate school. I got in. To a very prestigious and very expensive program in my (inevitably useless) field. In NYC.

This seems so cliché.

My best friend graduates, meets a guy who lives on the other side of the world, and falls in love. Suddenly, she doesn’t seem to be around as much, and who can blame her? It’s all she’s ever wanted. But I’m feeling very alone. And hurt.

And I take solace in the fact that I’ll be going to grad school soon. That I have a small victory in getting into this school. That there’s an incredible opportunity waiting for me. So I quit my job and go to NY and get an apartment this week. I found one. It’s more expensive than I’d like, but otherwise perfect.

And I come home to a bill from the school twice the size of what I was expecting because one of my loans has been misapplied or something like that.

So, bam. Job gone. Only friend leaving. No significant other. Family too strung out on meth to help. I’ve spent so much money applying to school and preparing for a big move that I’m nearly broke.

And no grad school.

So any thoughts on what I should do before I go crazy?
cmazzarone cmazzarone
2 Responses Jul 18, 2010

the darkest hour comes before the dawn.... don't give up, most of us are in the same boat...<br />
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this might help...<br />
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There are people with terminal illnesses that they can't wake up and shuck off when they want. There are gravely starving children, terrorists & war, poverty way beyond just an enhanced awareness... None of us were the exception. We've all been run through it and had a hell of a time. It's great that you figured out how to change your pattern. I wanna be like you when I grow up. Good job.