My First Attempt

I know if i could exspress it properly i have a life story most people would be shocked to find out if they knew me.  I like the idea of corresponding with people about my issues and such but as Ive never really done so it is seemingly difficult to write the right words that tell my story.  I really don't know where to begin hopefully i will become better at it because i have a real story and i would like to hsare it with people but i really dont know how.  I would never tell anybody in person, not even a doctor, what I am willing to share anonymously. 

Since this is the first time i have ever attempted to share my story I am finding it very difficult to finds the right words.  So i will try to just put a few things out there and hopefully readers will ask me questions and i know i can answer them in much greater detail. so please ask my about my story.

so basically......this is very difficult so sorry if it is vauge....Im always uncomfortable with the way i look...i often have extreme anxieties that keep me awake for days.. i have had self destructive complsive behaviors all my life such as hair pulling ,picking at things, basically anything you can imagine....i know i need help but everytime i reach out to get it i just seem to drift farther away from getting the help i need...i was physically abuse and verbally abused for most of my life up until probably a year ago.....nobody knows i was sexually abused growing up excpet one person i told who i no longer have any contact at all with which kills me because i think about it 24.7 and also think about that person thinking about it its hard to explain...i have manic behavior. i have been prescribed medicine for bi-polar anxity insomnia depression....i just feel like i will never find anyone that will understand my thoughts and the way Iam because I don't even know how to really describe it myself...i feel so alone and different i dont even bother to reach out to others........there is more but i dont even know what else to write as i have never thought about trying to describe the real me to anyone ive always just hidden everything thats real about myself from others..its like im always wearing a mask and struggle to breath underneath it.

oh and for some reason im not really sexually attracted to girls but im not gay....i know it doesnt make sense, thats the story of my life i gueestell my story

PLEASE ask me questions ..i know my first attempt at telling my story is vauge and maybe hard to understand but id like to think someone understands i guees.

thisorthat thisorthat
18-21, M
7 Responses Jul 20, 2010

I had a hellish childhood with a covert narcissistic mother and a weak, sniveling, dependent, verbally abusive father who clung to me like an infant. When I was coming to terms with a VERY big mental block about all this, I "accidentally" missed therapy appointments, sabotaged friendships with people who tried to confront me about the things I was in denial about - I ran the whole gauntlet of psychological defenses in order to keep from seeing the truth. <br />
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It's a normal reaction - children raised in hellish circumstances, especially ones who are physically and/or sexually abused, can emotionally survive only by a massive fortification of their psyche. While essential for survival through childhood, they distort and compromise life as an adult. We enter adulthood with very significant psychiatric disturbances. To come to terms with the darker parts of our past is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and remain its victims. Those who succeed in developing the necessary searing vision are those who can fully see and understand the story of their past - the people who can "name it" so to speak. "To come to terms" means to "arrive at the name."<br />
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Long term abuse leaves its mark at the cellular level. There is a physiology to what you went through. Cells are imprinted at the moment terror engulfs us. Brain cells are destroyed by stress and facing that kind of abuse is neverending stress. The body never leaves flight or fight mode. <br />
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Can you survive the the abuse? Yes, though it won't be easy. Stay in the abusive situation and you may be damaged. Some can leave and they are changed - stronger, wounded, wiser, educated in the techniques of disengaging and mindfulness. A journey, deep and dangerous has been made by those who have been companions with the sorts of people who are so selfish that they sexually abuse others.

thanks again....im thinking about going to see a doctor again to get help with my anxiety i can deal with the depressiona dn everything else for the most part but its really the anxieties that get in the way of doing what i would like to do with my life and living a normal everyday life...also maybe some sleeping medicine but that would just be a bonus because ive been able to deal with the lack of sleep in the past when i didnt have such anxiety problems

thankyou...i dont feel hopeless...basically i dont know how i feel because theres so much going on inside i guees its really hard to explain but im working at getting better at it..remember this is the first time ive really made any attempt to share details about myself with other people even anoynimously

Maybe you can solve your problems on your own. Firstly you should change your thinking of way. Th solution is on your mind. In your theraphy , you need motivation and medication . For this I advise Alexander Sini's some CDs. this CD is designed to brining forth the right vibration and energy that allows you to attract the ideal soulmate into your life. I had experience some problems about myself 2 years ago. I was in depression and I didn't want to go the doctor so I listen this CDs. <br />
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I advise you Be Happy – Feel Good NOW CD. If you want to be happy for a year, plant a garden; If you want to be happy for life, plant a tree. (proverb) You can also be happy by buying a CD from AleqSini . There is no happiness; there are only moments of happiness. (proverb) Provide yourself those moments with CD from AleqSini. Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. (Joseph Addison) CD by AleqSini might help you achieve those things. <br />
I hope you will be better.

thankyou for responding...however while i was molested and what not it does bother me becaouse i always think about it but never say anything however it doesnt hold me back i dont think from anything my other issues especially anxiety holds me back the most....and ive tried the therapist route after having a complete breakdown but i cant seem to follow through with it ..its as if i have mental blocks sometimes and it physically prevents me from doing things.<br />
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ive never told neone except one person i was molested and what not and they definetly didnt understand it. so Im just wondering, when you were younger did that affect your trust with other people and getting close? for instance i was molested by a male and although nobody knows that i find that when im with a girl im not really into it it just seems to me the normal thing to do. dont take that as im gay either im just saying its weird i guees...maybe a another guy that experienced it would understand ? not sure because ive never talked about it, i would be interested to hear from a male about their experience with sexual abuse etc.

First I would search high and low to find the right therapist for you. I believe if you had someone you could trust and give you the help you need, you would feel better about all these issues in your life.<br />
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I am sorry for the pain you have suffered. There isn't anything I can do to help other than listen. Medication and therapy, I believe, will help you get control of some of these things you are dealing with daily.<br />
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I was molested when I was 12. There are things you need to talk about and understand before you are able to put this story to rest. For me, it took a friend whom also was molested as a child , to tell me that one day she just said this is how it is. Grab a hold of it and move on. I don't believe you are old enough or quite ready for that response. I will tell you that with hard work on yourself, and understanding who you are, you will reach that day when you can say...I will not be a victim of my past, and move on.<br />
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I used to keep to myself, and not reach out for fear that people wouldn't understand why I am not happy. With therapy you will be able to find a better self esteem. I know I keep mentioning therapy, but I believe that this is a good place to start.<br />
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It may take you a while to find the right therapist for you. I encourage you to keep looking because everyone deserves to find the path to happiness and walk on it!

please comment let me know what you think, this is the first time ive tried this