A Memory

Quite a while ago, I went through I patch where I was on automatic pilot for about a year. Things were tense at home - my parents split up a bit later, I also had a toxic relationship that weighed heavily on me. I never talked about what was really going through my head and instead put all my energy into faking it. I remember telling really lame jokes at the dinner table to try and do something, anything to cheer up the oppressive atmosphere in my home. I remember running around like a mad thing at school with so many activities in an attempt to distract myself. I used to have naps straight after school - again avoiding things - and then get up when everyone else had gone to bed and watch old movies till I fell asleep on the couch. I used to think that I was trying so hard to pretend to be happy and putting on so many smiles I didn't mean, that I would actually forget how to be truly happy and smile genuinely. That thought scared me. It was like my inside was going to shrivel up and the cardboard smiling laughing happy-go-lucky me, the completly fake and made up me, would stay.

It wasn't until I left home and went to uni and slowly started to get better that I realised how low and sick I had been. It wasnt until I started to experience happy again that I knew how sad I had been feeling and that the feeling I had had, was depression.

I was talking to a friend today and we said - depression is like being stuck in the bottom of a dark horrible well. Sometimes you can claw your way out, sometimes you need someone to throw you a rope to help you pull yourself up. Either way - you CAN get out. Its an illness and its treatable. Everyone has a right to be happy and live that life everyday.
jellibeanz jellibeanz
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 22, 2010

Thank you for sharing your story. It is odd that so many people call it the "well". It's just the perfect metaphor for the feeling. That feeling of being a parody of yourself was very well written.