It's Been Pure Hell

I've been depressed since early childhood...
I always remember myself feeling like I was different somehow... the outcast of the group.
Friends weren't a thing I was used to having. I had terrible anxiety and I would sit at my desk or the lunch table with my feet firmly planted against the group to make sure no one would notice my excessive shaking. I would just focus all my energy into staying still, I was afraid to even bring my fork up to my face at lunch because my hand would shake and the food would fall back on my plate, then I would be petrified with the thought that someone might have noticed. I believed that I was a freak and my fellow classmate confirmed that by calling me all sorts of names; lesbian, gay, creeper, emo, weird-o, fatty... everything. If anyone ever bothered to befriend me, someone else would quickly tell them what a freak I was and that they shouldn't hang out with me. I spent everyday avoiding people, I couldn't look anyone in the eye because I knew they would just judge me. Every day after that final bell rang and my mother picked me up, I would get in the car with her and have all these emotions bottled up. I would be completely on edge. She would question and accuse me over and over again, by the time we arrived home we would be in the middle of a screaming fit. I would rush up to my bed room and cry and scream and tear at my flesh until my head started to ache and I would cry myself to sleep, just to wake up the next day and do it all over again.
Things weren't good at home either. I remember staying up late at night listening to my parents fight and yell at each other and eventually hear a a wine glass shatter against the wall. My parents are both total opposites in every way I can think of. Me and my brothers would always be in trouble for the smallest things, even sometimes for giggling and playing around. I now see that my mom was depressed to, for she was always on edge, set of by the slightest things. She would scream at us at the top of her lungs and chase us around with a rubber spatula... and of course hit us with it. She would call me down stairs sometimes and I would be afraid to walk past her that she might freak out and hit me. My dad on the other hand, would punish us differently and worse. He would let us know that it was coming, just give us a little hint and leave us to drown in our anxiety. When it finally started to get dark he would call us down to his office and integrate us with questions and name calling. And if we didn't answer the questions how he wanted us to he would become even more angry. Eventually he would tell us to bend over and he would wack us across the *** with his belt and send us to bed. 
As I got older, I started to be more rebellious. Getting in trouble at school, running away, ect. It just made my dad's punishments worse and worse. 

Enough of that anyway, I'm starting to rant now...

For so long I felt nothing but anger and sadness, no love or compassion.
But for the past year or so I've been in a horrible pit of depression and panic attacks. I haven't been able to leave the house, I stopped answering phone calls, texts, everything. I've been doing nothing but sleeping and going in and out of periods of fasting and binging. It's been pure hell.

sweetnothingness sweetnothingness
3 Responses Jul 24, 2010

I'm sorry you had to go through that hell. No one should treat anyone like that - especially their own kid. What they're doing to you is evil. I empathize with you - my childhood wasn't as bad, but it wasn't pretty either. It sounds like you had to learn to be a deer in the headlights to survive with your parents, and that that way of being alienated you from people outside your home. <br />
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There are counseling services available for cheap in most areas - usually at places with words like "institute" or "agency" in their names. You can look one up in the yellow pages if you want to. There are also hotlines for people who need someone to talk to - maybe do a google search or ask someone you trust (if there is anyone). <br />
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I really hope you find your way out of that hell - I know from personal experience that it's possible.

All I can say is that that sounds horrible and I don't blame you one bit for being depressed and anxious. It seems like the only reasonable response to your situation.<br />
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I hope you can find that place (maybe you already have) inside where you know you are your own person, no matter what your parents think. What they are doing is wrong. Just plain wrong. No one should ever be treated the way they treat you.<br />
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I can't say this will stop soon, but I do know, at a certain age, you can get out and find some relief from them. They you will have to work to repair the damage they have done you. <br />
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I'm sure it seems like it will take forever, but it won't. Later on, you'll look back and be amazed at how tough you were -- how much you could take. Humans are resilient that way. I wish I could tell you it will get better soon, but I don't know that. All I know is that you can stand it as long as you need to, and that eventually it will get better.<br />
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Hang in there. Keep writing here. Writing saves a lot of people. It saved me.

Yeah, it should be...