Eternal Depression

This is my first post here... I suppose you could say it is my first real step to try to finally get better. I've been depressed for a really long time now, 13 years or so I believe. I don't remember much... when I do it is generally painful. I may of been depressed for longer, but at the age of 9 is when I first got put on medication for it. My family couldn't afford it though so I didn't stay on. Since then I've been put on medication 3 more times, never continue'ing pass a month. I know I needed to keep up the medication, but I just couldn't. I view my life as worthless and spending money on something for me is a foreign subject. I have a hard time doing anything for myself. Now if someone asks me for something, then I will do it for them as quick as I can while trying my best. I desperately try to please others.

I have attempted suicide twice in my life. I'm over it now I think? I don't know... I resorted to cutting open my palm today to make the pain go away. It worked actually so I wanted to cut again when the pain came back. I often hit the floor as hard as I can with my fist as well. I tend to try to hurt myself in anyway I can so I will get distracted from the emotional pain. No one ever notices when I get injured so I can easily get away with it.

The second time I tried suicide, a friend of mine talked me out of it. So this time you could say it wasn't actually an attempt if you want, but the knife did draw blood. She was my best friend, someone I could talk to and she honestly cared about me. We helped each other through our problems. We've kept this system up for a long time. We never fought, even when she was really upset about breaking up with her boyfriend for 7 years. A few months after that though... we both admitted we liked each other. I finally felt like I was getting better. Lately things have gone wrong though, she is still attached to her ex and often prioritizes him over me and I am still too unstable. We've been fighting and now I'm very bad off. I don't know what to do, so I feel like my depression will be eternal. I wish I could just recieve an easy answer, but I know one will never come. So my hope is by posting this, maybe at least I can feel better and maybe gain just a little bit of insight on how to recover.
Kaien Kaien
22-25, M
3 Responses Jul 26, 2010

I quite understand your feelings my friend. Since my childhood I am depressed, I was the boy on the corner alone and isolated. All my life I dealt with depression, hundreds of treatments that failed, I know there's no cure for me. Seriously thinking and planning suicide.

maybe you should try something different..i've been like you..feeling the same for a long a time then i found the answer..something i can serve wid..

In order to recover from this or anything for that matter you have to want it, you have to want it so much that you're willing to do whatever you have to to get better. Asking for help is hard, but its worth it. Please dont resort to self injury, its a horrible road to go down, and trying to recover from it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. <br />
No matter what you think, someone out there loves and cares about you and would cry themselves to sleep if you hurt yourself. Someone wants you to live. Someone wants to live life with you.<br />
If you start feeling suicidal, there are lots of numbers you can call..1800suicide is one off the top of my head. <br />
<br />
Keep your chin up. There is hope. There is help. You CAN recover from this.