It's Been Awhile...

It's been awhile...and I suppose that is a good thing; that I haven't felt like I was drowning in my own mind. Not sure why I was doing better - didn't want to jinx myself into examining the situation too long. I just let it be. Enjoyed - enjoying the little things. So what happened? I am really not sure. Not sure why that light has dimmed and getting darker by the day. No good reason. Nothing hugely tradegic has happened. It might have started out as me putting a project off so long that I am out of excuses and feel like a dope. It might be that I expect more from myself than I can actually produce. Is it the realization that I can't keep a friend? Or that life open/close sign is approaching the close only - sooner than later (age reference here). Is it a movie I watched or a book I read? Is it a physical pain that I can't or don't want to know what it is? Or is the ugly depression that has creeped and sneaked back in, just making me think that it is one of the above triggers?
Therapists would want me to discuss this, try to talk it out and come up with an answer that they will then attribute to some childhood trauma. Screw the therapist! Used to see them, but I only felt worse when I left, and poorer for paying someone to listen to me try to figure out my problems. I suppose if I had a friend or two that I could trust and rely on to talk to...I wouldn't feel like I was hiring a "friend". A therapist - to me, anyway - seems just like a prostitute. Only instead of paying for physical companionship, I am paying for someone to sit and listen to me talk. For those who will be upset by this statement - don't bother sending me a nasty post, it won't make you or I feel any better.
Back to the depression...it's a little different this time. A deeper one, maybe? Not sure how to describe it but I will try in a poetic way - and no, I am not a poet, or claim to be a writer of any skill, so here it goes.
The temperature is hot outside, but I am cold - deeply cold. Numb perhaps, angry - just a bit. I find it easier to frown and yell than to smile and cheer. I put on black and grey and feel at ease. I want to wrap myself up in a blanket, pull down the shades and sleep till this feeling has subsided. If it were winter, I might get a way with it easier than this warm season of summer. I can make an excuse that I am sick - and in a way I suppose it's true - but I can't get away with it because I have responsibilities and can't get a replacement for myself right now. This mean depression - takes me away from my precious children - I am here with them physically, just barely. I force a smile so they don't see my sadness, and I try to be involved, but it takes all I have. I don't want them to see what is lurking within me - they would be sad too, and I don't - I won't let them see that. I'm sure they know, but I just say I am tired or feeling a little sick, but it will be better soon. I force myself to get out of bed and feed the pets, I make breakfast, lunch, dinner - wash the clothes, clean the house and remember to breathe - just barely. No desire to do my hair, call my clients or do the work I should be doing. This makes me just feel worse of course, but I don't care right now, and that is the kicker, isn't it, I don't give a rats ***. It's a merry-go-round that I should get off of, but I can't seem to muster up the energy to do so. I know if I don't make those calls, or do that work that it will make life more miserable, the reprecussions will be many. Loss of friends, money and what's the word....ah, yes, respect. I will no longer be considered reliable and it will take time to build it all up again.
As I read back through I see that I am not making a whole lot of sense, which tells me the depression is hitting a low point. So I will stop my babbling for the moment. Until next time....peace to you.
gerrynchappster gerrynchappster
36-40
1 Response Jul 26, 2010

Well, first I have to say that i feel you should let your kids know you're sad because they will do anything in their power to make you feel better and i know you dont want them to hurt because youre hurt and i know it sounds as if I want you to use you're kids to make you happier but isnt that kind of what they are their for, to make youre life a little bit more enjoyable? <br />
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My mind is on this weird fast track right now so its kind of hard to get out what im trying to say. All I can really tell you is i have days like you're having and enjoying life is so hard to do. I dont have a family to take care of like you do and I would think that that would be you're biggest motivation to get about of bed and at the end of the day, as tired as you are, you;d look back and feel accomplished.<br />
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Good luck with everything and I hope that you feel better.