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Please Read And Comment. I Need Help :(

I'm 21 years old (male) and I live with my mom. My dad left us when I was 12 and I have never gotten a solid reason. I know now that before I was conceived my father cheated on my mom with someone from work and had a child a year before I was born. He didn't tell my mom, I don't think he would have ever told her actually. One day when i was 6 or so my mother was at work (bank teller) and a woman (another woman that cheated with my dad) told my mom about the other woman and the child they had. I would say my mother is an angel; she would never hurt anyone in any way, but my father (who has courted my mom since high school) has a history leaving my mom and coming back; i guess it's convenient for him. Anyway...when i was 14 (two years after my father left) my mother came clean and told me about my brother. At first, I was like "omg! I have a brother...i've always wanted a sibling!" We both (my mother and I) kind of drifted for a few years with no answers from my father on anything. My brother found me on facebook when I was 18 and wanted to meet and talk about stuff. So I met him at in n out a few miles from my home. It was not what I hoped. I hoped that he could be a big brother I could look up to or a friend I so desperately needed. We talked for about 20 minutes, I hadn't even eaten all of my food yet and he had to go somewhere. We talked of meeting up again, but 3 years later neither of us has made an effort to contact each other. I know he likes to scuba dive, used to have trouble with drugs, and has the same troubled father as me. Come to find out, he actually lives with my father only miles from my house and has done so for quite a while. A few months ago, I had an emotional breakdown and called in sick to work. My mom saw how mad I was and decided to call my dad to "figure this out once and for all". My mom was in the shower when he arrived at the house and I answered the door and said,"hi", he returned the gesture. I then walked back over to the living room and sat on the couch (where i was previously crying) in complete silence waiting for my father to say something. I waited 5 minutes and then said,"so, aren't you going to say something?" He said,"i'm just waiting for your mother to come down", obviously feeling uncomfortable and not knowing what to say. So my mother comes down and she says how i'm feeling and how unfair i've been treated by him over the years. My father kind of gives a gesture saying "yea i know". After my mom says a little bit more, I came out saying,"why did you leave me? I was 12 years old and needed you more than ever." I don't really remember what he said after that, all i know is it wasn't what i wanted to hear, no apology, no sincerity. I lashed out at my mother then and said,"I told you! This wasn't going to do anything! He doesn't care! He doesn't love me!" He retorted with something along the lines of," I think of you every day! How could you say that?" Then I absolutely lost it! I said," How can you say that?! I never get any calls from you, I haven't even seen you in 8 years!", then i quickly decided it was all for nothing and walked out with my mother yelling to come back and my father doing little to stop me. I got outside ( making sure to slam the door behind me) and began walking out of our culdesac. My father ran out and began yelling my name and trying to get me to stop, but it only made me persist even more. He began to walk faster and sort-of caught up to me, then i made sure to lose him and said," Get the F*&$ away from me! You don't even know me at all!" He refused the gesture and started following me again, then yelled even more and told him to get the hell out of my life and I never wanted to see him again and walked farther up the hill. Before I turned the corner, I looked back and saw him turned around walking back to the house. For some reason I thought he gave up early on me and i felt even more disappointed. I walked a few blocks and sat behind the local outlet mall crying my eyes out for 10 minutes and called my friend Ray and asked if he could pick me up. Ray came in like 15 minutes and i got into the car and told him roughly what happened. He said," sorry to hear that man, that really sucks." He began to try and relate with my story by simply saying," parents can be real ***** sometimes." I know he was trying to help but i felt he had no right to say something that swift and easy. I felt that as my friend he should have said something i needed to hear, not what I already know. My mom called me after like a half hour and begged for me to come back, but i persistently refused. I needed to make sure he was gone before I could ever go back home, nothing would be solved by him being there. I hate my father. How can he just drift through life and leave wounded soldiers behind? Does he really think time fixes things? (it doesn't) Sometimes I say," I hope he dies!" or something like," I'm gonna go up to his truck and beat the sh*& out of it and leave a note that says 'thanks for everything!" I've never had anyone to relate to in my family. My father's brother and my dad hate each other, so I never had relationships with anyone on his side of the family. The only person in my mom's side of the family that came close was my cousin who is two months older than me named kevin, who is currently in jail for stealing something. We grew up with each other, but my cousin always wanted to one-up me in everything or at least come out of situations with him being the cool kid and me being the little girl that knows nothing. Now as adults he's chosen to do herione and steal thousands of dollars worth of jewelry from his own mother to support his sick habit. Right now, i'm in maui with my mother and I can't even enjoy my time here because I feel nothing is of value or interest anymore ( the depression talking). I lash out at my own mother who tries to console me. I resent the fact that she has smile on her face when I feel her own life has been such crap and in-turn made myself have a crappy life (thats unfair but how i feel). In fact, I resent most things that are portrayed as positive things because I feel there is no reason to be happy. I only put on smiles to act happy when it's necessary in social situations and I don't think i've actually smiled for a good reason since graduation three years ago. I hate my job, I hate my lifestyle (smoking pot and cigarettes, phasing out watching movies), and most of all I realize I hate myself. I feel I am being punished for a good reason that I don't know of, but is justifiable none the less. My first girlfriend would always tell me i'm sulking and i stayed with her until she broke up with me after 4 months when i was 18. When I was 20 i met a girl at a party and hung out with her for a couple of months then she stopped calling me after a while. Then 6 months later she called me again and I started hanging out with her again. I had a new car and she lived about 50 miles away from my house and at first i didn't mind the drive, i would even drive back and forth from my house and her house multiple times a day just to hang out and do nothing but drive her around and buy her food and pot. I put up with it. Then she just all of a sudden didn't answer any of my messages or calls for a week (i'd hang out with her almost every day previously). I sent her a message saying I want my stuff back and I don't want to see her anymore. She acted shocked and hurt, when i had more of both. She texts me or calls me every once in a while and everytime i ignore it, but then i answered her "drunk dial". She said lets hang out and I told her i don't think so and i might call her later sometime. I can't help but see the same thing my dad did to my mom as she is doing to me. I know i'm a scatterbrain, but this is the first time i've written anything of this length about myself ever. I don't want to relapse into my old boring self when i get home, but I don't feel i have enough courage to face the day by myself and move from here. I want to be someone a "real woman" would like to date instead of a drug-addicted ******* with daddy issues. I don't want to turn into my father, and I want my mother to be proud of me and show her how much I actually love her besides simply saying it. Has anyone on here gone through something like this or have any advice for me? I hate to sound desperate, but I am.
lccwestsideguy lccwestsideguy 18-21 1 Response Jul 31, 2010

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I know where you are at right now because I went through the same thing but in a way worse, with my ex wife. First I will say that Taryn2010 gave you some good advice, read and reread it. When my children were 12 and 8 their mother went manic depressent. I battled it for two year's before she walked out on us with a man that stayed drunk everyday and beat her. The hurt and anger that was placed in them and the fact that at that age they could not understand was deep and some of it will last a life time.<br />
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You have a good mother, she could not break down or get lost in her pain. She had to stay strong for you. You think you hide your pain, she is still doing the same thing, for you. What happened between your mom and dad HAD NOTHING to do with you. Your dad was like this before you were born, per you yourself. He will never give you an answer that will remove your pain. In truth he cant answer to himself. It is time for you to live your life, Nothing will fix the past, but you control your future.<br />
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It took my daughter awhile to move past her pain, to realize that it had nothing to do with her, that it was just the way her mother was. She put her life in order, she moved on and made me the proud grandfather of four grand children. She is a great mother, because she decided that she wanted to be happy and to make sure she was alway's there for her children and that they knew they were loved. Was it easy, NO. The first thing that she had to accept was that she would Never have a normal relationship with her mom. It took 10 year's but her and her mother came to term's with each other.<br />
If you want any kind of relationship with your dad, you will have to find middle ground. And then maybe, just maybe in time you will get some answer's. But not until you can get past the anger. I dont like to talk to anger because it is deaf. It is impossible to talk to your father with the anger inside you now, and he know's that also. You wont hear him, just your anger.<br />
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If you dont find middle ground then it will alway's nag at you. You are in controll of you. As Taryn2010 told you, one step at a time at a time when you are ready for that step. You will find strenght and wisdom in your mother. You may even find some of your answer's from her, but she will not answer them until you are ready to handle them. Right now she know's you are not. Choose your first step and take it. You cant move into tomarrow, if you stay chained to yesterday. I wish you the best my friend and know that you have the strengh and will to get past this. Make yourself and mother proud.