It's Getting Ridiculous.

I'm so tired of feeling like this.
I've had problems with depression all my life, and I've looked for help before. When I was young I went to several psychiatrists, psychologist and counselors, but I didn't like any of them and the one that gave me drugs, (some manner of amphetamine I think) it made me feel very tense and I soon threw them away. I don't like the idea of medication, but I suppose I should seek more to professionals about that.
I shouldn't feel like this, I'm a fairly accomplished man for 27. I earned my BA in photojournalism and work in the field. Granted, my job is definitely part of the problem, but I already put in notice and will be going freelance, which is scary, but in a good way. Plus I have a wonderful girlfriend. A bit moody, but I adore her and love her deeply.
In the last couple weeks it's gotten really bad. I've cried at least a half-dozen times, and I'm a guy who normally cries once a year at the most. My birthday was soon after I gave notice, but I wound up working on projects the whole day and had to cancel my plans, which led to a fight with my girlfriend. Crappy birthday, but i've had lots of those.
The next week started off with a horrible motorcycle accident that I photographed. The rider was killed, and he was a beloved member of the community that my small newspaper serves. The next day his son came into the office to tell me how much of an ******* I was for taking  the picture of the mangled wreckage that ran on the cover. When I scanned in an old shot of him for his obituary, his smiling face burned the image of that same face, bloated and dead, lying on the highway, deep into my brain. Death isn't new to me, photographed lots of fatals; this was different.
The following Monday, two days ago, I came in to news of the tragic death of a 19 year-old star athlete who graduated only a couple months ago. I'd shot him playing football many times and spoken to him a little, really sweet kid. I headed to the makeshift memorial at the site of his death and was almost overcome with emotion as I snapped pictures of children learning of mortality. I devoted a whole page to pictures of him in todays paper. This time the kid's mom came in and thanked me. That felt good, but I couldn't hold on to it. I feel like my pain in dealing with this isn't really justified, which makes me feel guilty, it's like my bees ting to the family's bullet wound.
I can still function, I've gotten very good at working through pain. Two years ago my best friend died in a car accident. The next day I photographed an SUV on top of two women and their motorcycle. They survived, but both of their backs were broken. My friend's brother was in the car with him, fresh home from Iraq. He survived with some brain injuries, only to be stop-lossed and sent back to war. A couple weeks ago he was hit by an IED, he's alive, and coming home, thank God, but suffered serious traumatic brain injury.
My girlfriend and I are seeing a counselor together, and I like her. But the main reason I'm really going is to help her. She survived abuse from someone  who I know well as a 7 year-old, and is only now, with my help, beginning to deal with it. I love helping her, but it's taken such a toll on her that she really doesn't always have it in her to be what I need her to be. Worse yet, I'm not so sure I know what I need.
I have to find a way to be happy, this isn't fair to her, or to me. Please help.
Scott27GreatGirlfriend Scott27GreatGirlfriend
Aug 5, 2010