Are You Ok? Well That's A More Profound Question Than You Realize

I can't seem to snap out of this self loathing and depression cycle I'm in. I'm not quite suicidal but I'm to the point where if someone put a gun to my head I probably wouldn't do anything to stop them from shooting me. I should probably see a therapist and get long term help, but wait I have no job and no insurance cause I just graduated so I'm ******. And my state doesn't really have anything for unemployed uninsured poor people. Its more of a "its your problem you deal with it" sorta thing. That's been my mentality my whole life any way. I'm 29 and almost everyday for 21 years I've woken up pissed off I'm still alive.

I wonder sometimes why I keep trying why I keep moving forward into the darkness. I can't see any light at either end of the tunnel. I don't know where the beginning or end is anymore. I'm utterly alone I don't see any friends in the people I associate with just classmates, partners, people who help the day pass but not friends. I've never had any real family to speak of or anybody to confide in. I post my thoughts to places like EP, its a temporary fix but nothing permanent. I don't know if there is a permanent solution anymore. I wonder when the pain, the loneliness, the torture will become too much to bare.

I trust complete strangers more than the people I know. Not sure if its because of the caliber people I know or if its just me. When I was a kid I never thought twice about hitchhiking or taking rides from strangers. I always thought "well can't be any worse than home or my family, why the hell not." I'm reckless with my life I should be dead at least a dozen times over from my own stupidity and another dozen times because of other people. But yet I'm still here still alive, not sure why.

I feel like screaming, breaking down, and crying. But I don't, I keep it all inside and keep trying to fix other peoples problems without any thought of myself. Helping others makes me feel better, but once again its just a temporary fix. I sometimes think about drinking and drugging again, at least then I would be numb and indifferent. I wonder if I've become addicted to the pain after all these years after all the **** I'm been through after all the **** I've seen others do to others. I've witnessed molestation, addiction, suicide and nobody to step in and help. I've seen and experienced hell and survived. Not sure if I should be proud of that or not. I see others complain and say to myself, "you haven't seen **** your don't know how evil and horrible humans can really be."

I've had therapists say there amazed at how self confident and unrelenting I am. I don't let anything stop me. I destroy every obstacle in my path. But not the depression its always there, it may subside for awhile but its just biding its time, waiting for the right moment to strike and tell me I am nothing I am worthless I can't win. I can't beat the dragon. I'm reminded of a quote "Fairy tales don't tell children dragons exist. Children already know dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children dragons can be killed." So why can't I kill this dragon, why can't I defeat it. I feel like defeating it would be defeating myself, maybe I need the dragon the depression to survive. Maybe I need something to fight, something to rail against, something to keep me defiant. I used to hate my step father and mother but I stopped that once I realized that it does me no good and they aren't worth my time. That left a void though and I can't seem to fill it.

Hate is a very powerful emotion it can give someone a reason to live but it destroys that person at the same time. Love would be better but when your used to hate, spite, and defiance love is nearly impossible to achieve. I almost need someone to come and save me. Someone tangible that I can feel and touch, not like Jesus or Muhammad, or Buddha, or Confucius, whose philosophies are taught but never truly understood anymore. I need someone who understands me, awe but thats the catch now isn't it. I don't trust or open up so how can anyone understand and know me.

If you read this whole thing I commend you and apologize for the long rant. I do have to say this is the most honest thing I've ever written or spoken so that's something I suppose.

Cheers, good luck and hope you are in a better position than I :/
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1 Response Aug 8, 2010

Well,I will say that you are not alone friend. I think that maybe you are right when you talk about that dragon. Maybe everyone has to have something to fight all the time as that is how I feel. <br />
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Also, I think it would be far to easy for you to go back to the drink and drugs as you are worth more. You wrote that you should be dead multiple times but you're not. Hang in there as your time will come. Hugs.