Peaks And Troughs

I've been battling depression for a while now and it just seems to be getting worse. I am seeing a therapist but She's hard to get an appointment with.  I just feel like crying all the time. On the outside my life is great, I have a good well paid job, a simple house and good access to my kids and a wonder full girlfriend who I love so much. On the inside I have real problems. I have an ex wife from hell who always makes it difficult to negotiate stuff and is hell bent on making my life as difficult as possible. My girlfriend is always threatening to leave me and doesn't seem to have much commitment to me. I've been compromising my time with the kids so that I can see more of my girlfriend but even when I'm available she doesn't want to see me. My job although it is a good job makes me travel alot. I nearly tossed it in the other day , but I didn't have the courage or self confidence to try and seek a local job that I don't have to travel, so I kept it. I love my kids so much, I got a call from the ex tonight could I take my daughter to her music exam tomorrow. Of course I said yes but now I'm in trouble cos it's my G/F birthday tomorrow. I try to please everyone, but at the end of the day I end up pleasing no-one. I cry alot for no reason. I cried in the shopping centre yesterday and tonight I feel like crying. Life just seems to be overwhelming I go through peaks and troughs, but the lows seem to be more prevalent. I'm alone alot, I have few friends except my girlfriend, and she constantly threatens to leave me, so I suppose it will only be a matter of time before I am completely alone. The thought scares the hell out of me. I think I'm co-dependant - I hate being alone. And I hate this depression. It just doesn't go away.
wattahappiness wattahappiness
51-55, M
2 Responses Aug 11, 2010

You are so right Girlwhimsical. I didn't sleep last night, and this morning I picked up my kids, took one to school and one to practice for her music exam today. It was the highlight of my day ( I havn't seen them in 10 days ) It's my G/F birthday today. I've bought her presents and flowers and chopped her a load of wood but I'm still in trouble and she doesn't want to see me today. My ex rang me last night and told me she had to go to court today, and can I take the kids. Of course I said yes , but it turns out that my ex was lying (there was no court today) and she just wanted me to compromise my day with my girlfriend ( she knew it was her birthday today ) . I should have known she was up to her old tricks!!!. and guess who falls for it (for the sake of the kids) EVERY time.<br />
Your last statement is the truest and hardest , thinking clearly and making good choices. I'm hopeless at making good decisions, especially when I have to make them fast and under conflict of interest. Just another day in my life... It seems that everything I do, no matter what , ultimately is the wrong decision. I need to learn to stand up to my ex. She is a bully and a liar and she uses the kids as pawns to manipulate me.

I think you see and know what ishappenig and your response. Not easy way to satisfy all parts of your life from how you described it. I am sure things will change and that will , in the end, be a good thing. I encourage you to hold on and do the best you can. Th erelationships you described, it sound slike the kids are the most important to you. Keep on talking to them and letting them know you are there for them and love them no matter what. The ex & gf, they are adults and sound slike collective all need a way to get along. In short, there is no one who can be an emotional support for you in your life. This is a challenge for all of us, even harder when your battling depression.<br />
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Maybe its time to list what is important to you, prioritize them. Include yourself! Then begin working on making the important ones, the best you can.<br />
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I wish you well my friend.