Nothing Comes To My Interest.

I am 14. I became clinically depressed after I developed anorexia (an eating disorder). Anorexia consumed my life. I was hungry and wanted to eat, but always told myself I couldn't touch even the smallest scrap of food for another 6 days. Fortunately, my family never knew, but did notice my drastic weight loss. I went back to a somewhat healthy weight by February. But that month, my mother had found a diary of my suicide thoughts. I had cuts up and down my arms. She took me to Palos Hospital, where there, I talked to a counselor and got drug tested. (I passed the test). The counselor had promised not to tell my mother what I told her, but she did. She advised my mother to take me to Alexian Brothers. It's a hospital where kids like me go. I was taken by the ambulence and I arrived around midnight. That night, my parents left me at this place, and I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't believe they hated me so much, they wanted to get rid of me. I stayed there for 4 days. Through the group therapy and creative courses, it helped none. I came home and immediately felt depressed. I spent most of my time in bed, staring up at the ceiling. very minute of the day, I thought of how everyone would be better off if I was dead. I cried a majority of the time and always reminded myself of how useless and a waste of life I was. In March, I overdosed on a school morning and came to school. In advisory, I felt the effets kick in. I was so dizzy and lightheaded. My stomach churned like butter. I overdosed on painkillers and Nyquil that morning, both containing acetaminophen. After I had gotten up to switch to my first class, I felt the full effect. I swayed side to side, hitting myself against lockers. I felt so intollerably sick that I couldn't even stand up. My legs started quivering and I dropped to the ground, scattering books all over the place. My friend found 2 teachers and they laid my head on my books and sweater. Teachers and students were surrounding me. Girls were laughing at me, calling me stupid. I looked up and I could see a look of worry on my friends' faces. People from the classrooms were looking out the doorway at me. I was told not to close my eyes, but I couldn't bare the pain. I closed my eyes, and I was told help was on it's way. I thought I was going to die. My school nurse came with a wheel chair and a few people lifted me into the chair. I felt so ashamed. Everyone was going to know why that happened. I was taken downstairs, where I waited for my mom. My mother was worried and I was rolled out to her car. After being settled in the car, my mom asked me what happened. She had this look on her face. I felt so horrible I had put her through this worry. Having to get a call from the school that your daughter was close to dying. I was too sick to move. She suggested I get taken to the hospital to get my blood drawn. I refused, and she took me to my Nana and papas. There I ate, took a nap and threw up 3 times. I was taken home where I laid in my bed. I refused to eat. I threw up 6 more times, even though there was nothing to throw up. I learned my lesson that painful day. I went back to school 2 days later and I was questioned. People were going around saying I starved myself too much and had a panic attack. While others told eachother I did drugs before I came to school. I was bullied once again. Girls and boys called me ugly everywhere I went. I'd walk down the stairs to gym, and people would walk by me and look at my face and call me ugly, or firecrotch. Ugly was the comeback my ex-bestfriend used to hit at me before smashing my head in the sink. I was called ugly so much, that I began to believe it. I started dating my ex in April, and we really liked eachother. He still liked his ex though, who was much more pretty, skinny, and confident than me. I was extremely jealous and always felt like I was never good enough for him. I could never look him in the eye, because I was afraid he'd see my face and be disgusted. He always told me I was beautiful, but I just didn't see it. Everytime I went out with him, I constantly compared myself to other girls. I felt so ugly being with him, even though he thought I was perfect the way I was. His ex loved to flirt with him, and he let her. I cried most of the time I was alone. To this day, I wake up every morning and wish to be someone else. Every little flaw I have, I kick myself over it. It's prevented me from going out, and having a real social life. I broke up with michael, because I couldn't take a long distance relationship. He still calls me beautiful to this day, and I just don't see why he has to lie to me. My family always tells me how beautiful they think I am, and I know they're only lying. Every thing I have on me, is pure ugly. I just don't know what Michael sees in me, he could do so much better. I feel so ugly, that I don't even want to start highschool, just to be made fun of of how hideous I am. No one will ever love me there, face it, I'm too ugly for love. My ugliness has kept me home from school some days, and I always think I'm too ugly to go out and have a good time, because I am. I was told I have body dysmorphic disorder, but I don't see the point of seeing a therapist, because they don't help at all. (I used to see one.). Face it, avoiding being sad is useless. To top it off, I have no talents, and I'm not smart. I have failed at every sport I ever tried out for, and I am not a brain in school. I'm stuck being the worthless nothing I am, and that's why I feel that if I died, it would only give the world more space.
Tori170 Tori170
13-15, F
8 Responses Aug 11, 2010

No matter what, you will always have a place in this world. Not everything in life has to do with looks. Family can be mean but it seems that you have a caring and loving family, believe me it could have been MUCH worse. I didn't read anything about abuse or history of your family. Is this something that simply developed within you? As you get older, these things will matter less and you will find your purpose in life, just don't stop searching. May peace be with you.

第一次看到这么凄惨的国外故事,你那么年轻,要调整好心态.<br />
remember:"My future is not a fantacy, my heart is beating with my expectation."

Tori, <br />
I won't say I am sorry for you.. Though it seems ages ago, I was going through something similar till a few years back. It was hard, yes! But I am stronger for having been through it. I was not anorexic, In fact I went overboard at the other end...Overeating. I was obese,clinically depressed and had suicidal thoughts. I have kept a journal from those days and sometimes it amazes me that I used to be that person. If I could go back and meet myself as I was, i would have only one advice: It doesn't matter what the world thinks of you, it is what you think of yourself that is important. See, if you don't respect and love yourself, how can you expect the rest of the world to? <br />
Its bloody hard to face the world, I know. Everyone seems to have turned on you and you feel all alone. So, if you are the only one who is going to keep you company, might as well learn to enjoy it. What I mean is, don't be so hard on yourself. Believe that you are a good person, love who you are. Do things little things that make you happy: Borrow a good book and finish it, watch you favourite movie, write if you enjoy writing, create something, learn something new and above all be kind - to yourself and to others. In the meantime don't worry about what anyone thinks of you. <br />
I used to think I am ugly, i still do when I slide into bouts of depression. Then my sister told me that ' I am perfect the way I am. Coz God doesn't create anything less than perfection.' It gave me pause, made me think... You are in a difficult place, it hurts you and you try to get back by hurting others or worse still destroying yourself. Haven't you ever fallen down and wounded yourself real bad? That must have hurt...but it passed, it healed, didn't it?

you really are the perfect friend for me i swear i also have aneriexia and feel as if i am the ugliest girl to walk the face of the earth. and it really sucks cause know one understands what its really like.<br />
i have isolated myself from just about everyone and have absolutily no social life or friends and its been that way for about 3 years now. im 17 and should be living a normal life but you give me hope cause i know there is people like me out there somewhere(its justalmost impossible to find them)

I am so sorry Tori, no one should ever have to go through all that, I've been there in some situations and it sucks. More people should read this story just to understand how important it is to treat people nice. I can assure you that you are not worthless, you said you have friends and a boy who thinks you are beautifull. clearly, you are not ugly. from your picture you look SO pretty. I'm only 2 years older than you, and i've been down the suicide & cutting path. I'm still doing it, but it's never good to feel like that. You're strong, beautifull & you deserve so much more than this. Good luck<3-victoria

Thank you both of you. I'm happy to know people feel the same way.

i got a little teary-eyed when i finished your story... that people have been so cruel to you at your school-- to top off your own struggles and how it feels to be in your shoes even without all that. you showed us your pain and i admire you for being so brave to share this. i want to tell you to keep fighting this and struggling... to keep Hope in your sight. i can't tell you what your future brings but i can tell you that when i have kept fighting my own demons, not given up... that i have had some wins-- enough to tell you that it's worth the fight. we're here when you need us. peace, sweetheart.

Tori ur story made me cry..im anorexic too,older than u though..i feel saying sorry coz nobody else commented to ur story but i hope someone will read ur story coz u deserve someone to listen to u..i wish u seek help,dont quit no matter how u feel ok...u are not worthless..u deserve to b happy...much love n hugs*