Sad Happy And Somewhere In Between

I have suffered from depression and anxiety for nearly 11 years now. I can go days and feel fine then stuff happens and my mood hits a all time low. i had done nothing much with life i had given up on life up until two years ago i found the strength to pick myself up brush myself off and try and reclaim my life.

At times i still wonder why i even bothered, yeah i have my happy days other days like tonight i spiral down to a all time low.
I am sick of the emotional rollercoaster ride i am on most of the time. I got in to college i managed to stick it out for a year and i got a year of therapy there.
i made mistakes and now i doubt i will get back in for another year.

somewhere a long the line i took to comfort shopping which when it becomes like a addication to try and make you feel better it just gets to the point where its out of control. buying things when you cant afford it and then selling stuff you didnt want to sell to fuel shopping becuase its the only thing that makes me feel good or better when i am feeling this depressed.

i worked hard to lose weight and i stuck with it so i could be the size that the man tells me i should be. The icing on the cake is one big issue that has hung over me for  about 14 years and at times it tears me up inside and that issue is the fellings iv had all that time that i wanted to be the oposite sex
like have a sex change etc. I battled with those feelings all this time and i cant resolve it.

i spent many years in denial and trying to fight the feelings until i felt ill then when i accepted myself some years later i was happy until it come to the point where i came out to my folks and they took it pretty bad. I tried to stop and fight my feelings again because it was upsetting them. In the end i was hurting inside because i just wanted to be myself and not live a lie.

i did some pretty messed up thinks when i was hurting so bad until i could not take it and i said "stick it" i am going to be myself
and i worked hard to get to the point where i can live as myself and in the new year i should be able to leave my family
to live my life as a member of the opposite sex.

The time i am happy and feel normal and half sane is when i am being myself.

I see only a few options left

1: leave this town and move in to a new place chuck out all my man clothes and live as a female
2: smoke pot its the only thing that straightens me out and makes me feel normal
3:stay here and be misrable
4: take my life

i chose option 1 but its going to be messed up and hard if i fail i guess option 2 seems good.
option 3 i would not even consider i hate being in this place.
4 i think about a lot of the time.

when my family said some hurtful things when i came out to them i felt so ill that option 4 seemed like something i wanted to do
so much that i wanted to get help but my mum seemed more concerned about me being sectioned she said that if i was sectioned how can i pay back my debts.

which brings me to now.I am sat here 2am i cant face going to bed. at  times like these i want to be sedated when i am sedated it feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders that i do not have to go through this storm of negative thoughts and feelings that eat away at me.

i just thinking "you cant run from yourself" no matter where i go or what i do i cant escape this messed up mind i have. Maybe its the depression talking. I do not have much positive to say tonight.

the thing that gets me down the most is being stuck/trapped here in this house and life i dont want when i want to escpe from this house and start a life somewhere else.  If i do that i know my family wont ever want to see me again.

if i was born the right gende or not born at all everything would be fine.
sarahbethuk sarahbethuk
26-30, F
Aug 11, 2010