Trying and Failing

I have suffered from depression since my early teens.  I had a difficult childhood, my father was very controlling and verbally abusive which meant two things I wasn't given any space and he consistently said horrible things to me.  Things that he claimed were meant to toughen me up as a person.  I frequently used to cry and if my mother would dare to intervene he would tell her that he was trying to make me a better person.

This extended to my personal life if my friends (the few friends that I had phoned up) he would listen in and tell them to get off the phone.  I was never allowed to go out and in the end stories of my father's behaviour ended up in the school domain and none of my friends invited me anywhere.  I was left out of everything in the end.

The only way to cope was to make up a mitty esque existence where I pretended to do a lot of things to make me seem more popular.  But people saw through it all and I was outcast even more.  In the end I became a gossip passing on other business in the weak belief that if I knew what was happening then people would turn to me.  In the end this got me into massive trouble with the principle school bully so I spent the final year of school wondering whether I was going to get my *** kicked.  And then going home to the misery of my house and my father.  My only friend and bright spot in the end was television so I watched endless hours of the stuff waiting for an escape.

It got to the stage where I became suicidal I tried to overdose with tablets, and then tried to inhale air freshner in the hope that I would overdose and die.

I didn't happen and I just counted down the time till I left secondary school.   Bullying then happened again in sixth form, my spirit was pretty broken by then I would shake if I had to meet anyone new, and I had bad social skills so I spent a lot of time hiding in toilets crying and trying to avoid other people.

This crying, anxiety and depression carried on through much of my life.  I did have a bright spot where I started meditation and yoga but it was a short lived phased, and after a bad relationship break up it all became worse than ever.

I am having a tough time now in my relationship as once again I have taken on the role of victim, and the same control issues are coming up again.  I know that I have  the power to change things...

I have started taking 5HTP my first tablet was yesterday, I also want to start taking SAM-e.  I aim to see a counsellor as I can't keep repeating the same patterns over and over again.  I just want to feel some kind of real happiness and for once in my life I want the pain of the past to dissappear.  I know I cannot change what happened, but I can at least try to change what is happening now.
Oregano Oregano
26-30, F
2 Responses Jan 1, 2008

Thanks... I have only been on here a few days but everyones support and encouragement means so much. I guess I always thought that I was on my own. And to have so many people not only care but understand makes me fell that I am not so alone anymore.

Don't Give up ! There is hope out there . You have people here who will listen and understand what you are going through. I think it is great, you are trying to make a better life for yourself. I have dealt with depression for many years and am still struggling day by day. It may take a long time for you to break the cycle of abuse and pain , but it is well worth it. " Keep your chin up" Sending you a big Hug ! , to help you feel better. HUG !!! Katlin