Trying and FailingI have suffered from depression since my early teens. I had a difficult childhood, my father was very controlling and verbally abusive which meant two things I wasn't given any space and he consistently said horrible things to me. Things that he claimed were meant to toughen me up as a person. I frequently used to cry and if my mother would dare to intervene he would tell her that he was trying to make me a better person.
This extended to my personal life if my friends (the few friends that I had phoned up) he would listen in and tell them to get off the phone. I was never allowed to go out and in the end stories of my father's behaviour ended up in the school domain and none of my friends invited me anywhere. I was left out of everything in the end.
The only way to cope was to make up a mitty esque existence where I pretended to do a lot of things to make me seem more popular. But people saw through it all and I was outcast even more. In the end I became a gossip passing on other business in the weak belief that if I knew what was happening then people would turn to me. In the end this got me into massive trouble with the principle school bully so I spent the final year of school wondering whether I was going to get my *** kicked. And then going home to the misery of my house and my father. My only friend and bright spot in the end was television so I watched endless hours of the stuff waiting for an escape.
It got to the stage where I became suicidal I tried to overdose with tablets, and then tried to inhale air freshner in the hope that I would overdose and die.
I didn't happen and I just counted down the time till I left secondary school. Bullying then happened again in sixth form, my spirit was pretty broken by then I would shake if I had to meet anyone new, and I had bad social skills so I spent a lot of time hiding in toilets crying and trying to avoid other people.
This crying, anxiety and depression carried on through much of my life. I did have a bright spot where I started meditation and yoga but it was a short lived phased, and after a bad relationship break up it all became worse than ever.
I am having a tough time now in my relationship as once again I have taken on the role of victim, and the same control issues are coming up again. I know that I have the power to change things...
I have started taking 5HTP my first tablet was yesterday, I also want to start taking SAM-e. I aim to see a counsellor as I can't keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. I just want to feel some kind of real happiness and for once in my life I want the pain of the past to dissappear. I know I cannot change what happened, but I can at least try to change what is happening now.