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I was watching EastEnders just now, and Carol went to take an overdose after her son's funeral, God you got to love Soaps. She wrote a note, or rather a sign telling them not to go into the kitchen, she took a box of sleeping tablets and a bottle of vodka. That's not what upset me, it was the event that happened before, when she tried to kiss her ex husband and he told her no, when she went to the wake and couldn't cope with everyone being together and her on the outside.

That's the bit that hurts.

After locking out so many people, through anger, through neglect, taking out your frustrations of why you were feeling so 'bad' out on them, and then being able to return back to 'normal' and just join in where you left them.

For a year I was like that, even just recently. I thought about it, the pills again, but I never did it. I couldn't manage it the first time and the reprocusions of that have forever stuck in my mind. Having your stomach pumped isn't pretty. But as I watched it, there was a sickening familiarity of what this character was going through, that intense loneliness brought on by no one but myself.

I cried. Just a litte. There are somethings that never really forget.
MrsLalaninjacakes MrsLalaninjacakes 26-30, F 6 Responses Oct 25, 2010

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I love you guys x

Lovely darling, I thought about my long, painful night last July today as well. It's alright, I understand. They creep back sometimes but knowing you are loved helps the painful memories stay just that...things in the past. xx

Your past does not define your future. Thats the first thing that came to my mind and i wanted to say it to you, but its just easier said than done. Dunno how long ago or with perspective you wrote this with but I just hope you are doing better now! :)

Thoughts from the past Cakes best left there......

hugs honey

I watched that episode too lala and found it very moving. The part where she tried to kiss her ex was just awful, you really felt for her. I'm sorry it brought painful memories back for you. ((hugs))