In The Dark

I have been depressed since I  was thirteen that was when my first thoughts of suicide started going across my mind . Back then I felt like no one loved me or cared about me at all so I tried killing myself by cutting my wrists. My cutting ended me up in the emergency room I was so scared my life had just started going downhill and now i was afraid I'd be admitted to an inpatient facility. That time, three years ago, they let me go home that time.That's a little back story.

  Now three years later I went through another bad depression this one was different from the last one . My boyfriend left me we had been dating for quite a while and he just left me he said goodbye over the phone and hung up on me and that was the end of that I felt so pathetic and worthless because he just left me there all alone . I felt like nobody loved me and I was going to die alone. I cried that day and literally did not stop crying for two days after that by the third day I was feeling so worthless and depressed and after cutting myself so many times I was just ready to die so this being my second attempt at suicide I was more aware of what to do to die, but of course my thinking was so irrational that I just tried anything to die not even thinking how stupid it was. I took a small rope,climbed a tree, and jumped the rope quickly broke because it was too thin for my weight. After that failed attempt I got up went back in my house got dressed and went to school . Even in school I couldn't stop crying and everyone noticed all the cuts on my arms so one of my teachers sent me down to the school psychiatrist then told him that I was so depressed and that I have been for years now and I told him I tried to kill myself not even thinking...

  Now once again I was admitted into a hospital emergency room I was so depressed and alone everyone was staring at me while they were walking passed the psychiatric part of the hospital. I felt crazy at that point, but i didn't seem to care that much because now I was safe from myself again. This time instead of being let go from the emergency room they put me in an inpatient facility I had to stay in the emergency room for two days I was so scared I cried practically the whole time while in the emergency room . On Friday , the 8th of October I finally arrived at Four Winds in Katonah. It was 2 hours away from where I live. I was rolled in to the waiting room on a stretcher I wish that they would have just let me walk in to save me my dignity everyone in the waiting room looked at me like I was crazy there.I talked to the woman who did the admissions she said I would be let out in two or three days. The whole 2 WEEKS in that hospital was a hell on earth for me. I rarely saw my family since they lived two hours away. In the hospital it was so scary for me I had nightmares every night it was just a horrible experience the worst on in my life by far. While in that place I was diagnosed with major depression and Bi-polar disorder.

  After getting out I have not had a happy day since my nights are filled with fear of going back there. My pills make me more depressed, but my doctor keeps saying just stay on them a little longer and everything will be better, but it's not nothing is better it's worse if anything a lot worse. I can barley even sleep I'm so depressed I always am able to sleep at least 3 hours I always wake up at 5am even if it's on a vacation or weekends. ANYTHING can trigger my depression just a couple days ago I saw people playing volleyball and I got so depressed because we played that while I was in the hospital. I don't feel normal anymore (whatever normal is) It's like I CAN'T be happy no matter how hard I try. Everything is so hard to do even getting out of my bed is hard to do no one understands how I feel in my family they just make fun of me now saying things like well if you don;t do that we're going to send you back to the crazy hospital they just don't realize how scared I am to go there and how depressed I actually am.

  I don't know what to do anymore.