The Voice In My Head

I spend most of my days wondering what it would be like to fall off a cliff. To jump from a bridge with shallow water waiting at the bottom. It takes up most of my free time, wondering. I also have a constant voice in my head telling me to do something completely idiotic. Its my own voice. Whispering to me that I should throw a plate, or drop a cup, or break something. Strange really. Its there when I'm driving, telling me to open the car door and jump out. To crash the car into something. I fight that voice often. Everytime I get around something that could possibly harm me. My husband has a lot of large blades. Its hard to resist hurting myself just to see what would happen. I've gotten better though. Sometimes I still wonder if I should get back into therapy. To be honest I'm too afraid though. I'm scared that they'll try to take my son away from me. For fear I might hurt him or someone else. I'd never hurt him. Never. I'm slightly hurt that anyone would think that in the first place.

Though, I do wonder about the pain I could cause to others. I wonder if it would be as tramatic as people say it is. My husband is in the Army. He's killed people. He told me he actually enjoyed it, which makes me wonder about him mental too (hahaha). I wish I could see how it felt. He can't describe it enough to fulfill my curiosity. I don't think I would be able to kill anyone though. I'd probably feel an endless level of guilt for something like that. I'd have a better chance of hurting myself. I've done it before so why not now. I'm just hopeing I can keep the voice at bay. At least, until I find someone who can help me push it out all together. Maybe I need medication for that. Someone please tell me I'm not crazy.
ImEndangeredGimmeYourCola ImEndangeredGimmeYourCola
26-30, F
6 Responses Jan 8, 2011

Song Title: Breathe (soul)<br />
Subject: a song about making it through hardships<br />
Video URL:

Not fun, really. Especially the clean-up after. But I won't say it didn't feel mighty good while doing it. And it was way better than smashing kids. I was afraid if I didn't have something around to smash, I might start on them. So, dishes were a better option. Too bad they were subjected to that, I'm not proud of it.

Thanks Beauty. I'm concidering the help. I think it might be a good thing at this point.<br />
<br />
And thank you too Dreaming. I might concidering trying that aswell. It sounds like it'd actually be kinda fun hahaha.

My fantasy was always to jump in front of a bus. But then I wondered how it would be for the driver of the bus. And the passengers. And what if he swerved to miss me and killed a couple of pedestrians. I guess, I was talking myself out of it, but I always thought how easy it would be and it could look like I tripped and know one would know I did it to myself.<br />
<br />
I used to break a lot of dishes. For me it was therapy. I used to go to the Salvation Army thrift store reject center, where they had all the odd things that no one seemed to buy from the other stores. Saucers were two for a nickel. sandwich plates were a nickel each. Dinner plates were 10 cents each. I kept a large bin with a lot of dishes and when the pressure got too bad, I would start throwing them, until some of the inner pressure was released. Even the cleaning up was therapeutic. I was right about your age when I discovered the therapeutic value of breaking dishes. Just don't use your nice wedding gift dishes, like I did the first time.

I'm begining to wonder...but thats just me.

I dont use the word crazy I use illness to explaine my depression. Be very careful what you wish for. A lady drove her car into my truck and died on impact and helped to lead me to the mental ward at the hospital. You dont want to know what it feel's like. She was a mother too on her way to surprise her son at work and take him out to lunch, but never made it. Is that what you want to live with ?