The Voice In My HeadI spend most of my days wondering what it would be like to fall off a cliff. To jump from a bridge with shallow water waiting at the bottom. It takes up most of my free time, wondering. I also have a constant voice in my head telling me to do something completely idiotic. Its my own voice. Whispering to me that I should throw a plate, or drop a cup, or break something. Strange really. Its there when I'm driving, telling me to open the car door and jump out. To crash the car into something. I fight that voice often. Everytime I get around something that could possibly harm me. My husband has a lot of large blades. Its hard to resist hurting myself just to see what would happen. I've gotten better though. Sometimes I still wonder if I should get back into therapy. To be honest I'm too afraid though. I'm scared that they'll try to take my son away from me. For fear I might hurt him or someone else. I'd never hurt him. Never. I'm slightly hurt that anyone would think that in the first place.
Though, I do wonder about the pain I could cause to others. I wonder if it would be as tramatic as people say it is. My husband is in the Army. He's killed people. He told me he actually enjoyed it, which makes me wonder about him mental too (hahaha). I wish I could see how it felt. He can't describe it enough to fulfill my curiosity. I don't think I would be able to kill anyone though. I'd probably feel an endless level of guilt for something like that. I'd have a better chance of hurting myself. I've done it before so why not now. I'm just hopeing I can keep the voice at bay. At least, until I find someone who can help me push it out all together. Maybe I need medication for that. Someone please tell me I'm not crazy.
ImEndangeredGimmeYourCola 18-21, F 7 Responses 1 Jan 8, 2011