Pathetic Life Story

i dont know why im even writing this. i mean i doubt anything will ever get better. its terrible because theres millions of people with WAY worse problems then me but i still feel like this. i was never raped or beat or none of that but im still a mental wreck that only gets worse. i dont even know where to begin, im sorry. i guess i started feeling like this when i was about 7 or 8 because my parents had a really bad divorce. they'd constantly yell and throw things all through are trailer. i had to try and convince my 5 year old brother that this was supposed to happen because he was beyond scared and didn't know what to do. i didn't even know what to do. after they got divorced my mom moved a few towns away so i only saw her on the weekends which was okay. ever since the divorce i've blamed my dad entirely for me feeling like this. anyway after the divorce things calmed down for a bit and I started to feel better but then, when i was 11, my dad married this random girl from his work place (note they only knew each other for 6 months) which i was okay with because i never talked to him or her. then her buisness or whatever got a transfer to Ohio (i started out in NY btw) that utterly destroyed me inside. i felt betrayed depression suicidal hurt and furious. i cried myself to sleep for around a week and a half singing a lullaby that my mom would sing me. my brother didnt care about it i guess. maybe his autism helped him or somethin. side note: im so sorry this is like randomly placed info through out this story but this is first time talking about it again sorry. so he just was happy and did his own thing while inside my depression and hatred for everybody except my mom grew stronger. when we were in ohio i would get in fights just because i was mad at the world and people who had good lives. we eventually moved 11 monthes after arriving. we moved to VA, where i currently am. at this point ive sunken to my rock bottom, but i eventually fall further. i was about 11 or 12 at the time i got into a VA school. i entered the 6th grade and finished it with only 1 "friend". i never really trusted him because i just cant bring myself to trust anyone anymore. during the 7th and 8th grade things started to calm down mentally for me. then things even started looking up when my mom got enough money for a lawyer so i could move back in with her. she lost the case because of one sole reason: she is poor. my dad and step mom are rich because my step mom is the president of a big company. but my mom just runs a local cleaning company and barely has money to pay bills but she makes do just fine. anyway when we lost the case my dad was extremely furious saying stuff like "you disrespected me" "you went behind my back" the list goes on. but i didnt go behind his back i told him upfront i wanted out of VA but he blew me off. so i started 9th grade, first year of high school, with around 3 friends. which im fine with i guess. but then my "best friend" started being a huge d*ck. cussin at everybody pickin fights actin all tough. he says hes mad at the world and "hates" his dad. but he doesnt have the slightest clue of hate. he only doesnt like him because he doesnt let him hang out with friends sometimes. it annoys beyond belief. but i've stopped hangin around with him. my other friend lives in NY and i never see him and my only VA friend is never serious so i can never tell him how i feel about anything. so i just kill time with him on fridays usually. 9th grade was probably the worst for me because everyone in the halls of the school had a gf/bf except me. at first i didn't care, i just ignored them. but it was impossible not to see them. when im on facebook i can see people status's about how much they "love" each other and how happy they are. when i read each one my heart goes cold. no girl has ever shown remote intrest in me or hardly ever talked to me. so i just stay shy and closed off all the time. in the middle of 9th grade my dad, for some reason, was ALWAYS mad at me. everything i did seemed to enrage him. he had 2 motorcylces that he loved more then me. it made me feel like less then dirt. after i finished 9th grade i went to visit NY for the summer. everything there was great and i was happy for once in the longest time. near the end of the summer i got my eyebrow pierced. when i got back to VA my dad saw it and he blew it far beyond what anyone should have. he acted like i was in a gang, doing drugs, and killing people. he said the only reason i coudlnt have it was because "he didn't like it" i came inches away from punching him square in the face. but the things he said to me and called my mom weakened me. and when he left my room i fell down and cried for around 2 hours straight. the only i could turn to was my mom. she told me everything would be okay and she tried to help me and stop me from crying, but being roughly 200 miles away she couldn't help alot. after that night i came close to running away about 6 times. but i couldn't because i didnt have enough money for enough food to last me the trip to NY. so i started saving up. when i finally got $130 i thought i had enough. when i got back from school some1 had stole my wallet which i knew i left on my desk. i thought it was beyond suspicious. so i gave up on running away for the time being. but my thoughts of suicide sky rocketed. i would sit in my kitchen at night with a knife against my neck just screamin at myself to do it. but just before i'd do it everytime i'd see my mom and drop the knife. shes the only reason i dont kill myself. shes the only thread of sanity i have left and she so far away. currently im still depressed with thoughts of running away being higher then suicide. i have $60 so i'd more to make it. i still dont trust any1 and i am so lonely at night i feel cold inside. my dreams haunt me with images of suicide and fire. everyday is a slow painful hell. i need an escape. the only thing i do to make me feel good is write rap music. but it never helps. i write a song and i like it. then i read it and i think its the worst thing ever made. people say its good but i kno, i just kno, that its pity. they feel bad for me but not bad enough to actually do anything. i feel terrible because all of that ^^^ is my lifes problems. i feel like some whiny kid because people have WAY worse problems but im still depressed. and because im depressed i feel weak. and i have a burning hatred of myself. ive just stopped trying in school. ive stopped doing all the homework. i do just enough to get a low D. i dont care if i fail anymore. i dont even care if i live or die today or tomorro or at all anymore. im sorry this was so long. i bet no one read this. im sorry my english sucks but when i feel really depressed i dont bother with grammar or spelling. im sorry
sixfeetunder sixfeetunder
18-21, M
5 Responses Mar 3, 2011

I feel so sorry for you and know that I am on the other side of the world, but I feel your pain, really I do. Depression is awful. I'm not a kid, I'm middle-aged but I suffer with the depression that makes me just want to cry all the time and run away into the bush, far away from any other human being. Whenever I feel at my very lowest, there is no-one there for me. That's when I feel completely alone. I know the feeling. At least it's given me the ability to sympathise with others. I want you to know that my feelings of alienation make me so want to help you. I wish I could. I wish I could just hug you to make you feel that someone cares. So here's a big VIRTUAL hug from the other side of the earth ok!

i read the whole thing bro. hang in there. I believe your mother can be part of your motivation to do better in life above everything. I have the same mentality to have suicide thoughts periodically. i feel your suffering. stay strong and i hope you'll find some answers to your life.

work hard, raise those grades, do something apart from feel crappy. Imagine how proud your mom would be if your grades went up. teenage years are the hardest. i remember mine. I barely made it through. But now.... perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim (Be patient and tough, some day this pain will be useful)

Please stay strong. I read your entire message and could feel the pain from your words. Your life sounds very stressful. It must be hard being away from your mother. Your father sounds like he might be self absorbed and in turn that is painful for you to deal with. I am currently battling depression myself and have felt close to the edge at times. I'm in the early stages of medicine and therapy. I hope you could find a church or even a depression support group on line that might be able to help you. Don't keep it all bottled up inside. I can't promise it will get better anytime soon, but I feel your pain and I hope that you will seek out someone to confide in, an adult. You are worth so much more than you might be able to see at this point. I'm praying for you and I hope you have a brighter day ahead. I believe in you.......

same feelings here but honestly u have it worse than i do but i still feel like suicide. so i cant really relate but im sorry to here that. people all over tell u is gonna get better but deep down you know it wont thats what i feel every day