Here Is My Story

I have been battling depression since November of 2003. It went away but came back in university. I just fell into it, i had no ambition. I met a great guy who helped he was my boyfriend for 2 years. I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for him. I have broke down 3 times already this year. I have been to many doctors and tried many dosages of many medications. I missed much of my gr.12 year, even my finals. I took a vacation at my aunts, and got better in my 5th year of high school. A big step for me was realizing this is a disease, and i'm not this disease.



I remain depressed to this day, i have alot of friends i can talk to, but i still revert to social anxiety to the point where i would stay in my room and not go to class.



I was finally fully diagnosed with clinical depression a few months ago, when i broke down in the summer. I was so ashamed to tell my friends and family. Now a new problem has arisen, i'm so frustrated about this, to the point where i want to hurt myself. i did it for the first time today.. i used a razor blade to  shave very closely to my upper leg so i could hide it. I've only told my best friend whom i promised i would never do it.



My other best friend does not know, we recently got in a huge fight about promises. and broke mine when i thought i was never going to talk to him again. he used to cut, so he was the first person i told when i had these thoughts. he made me promise never to do it. i'm so scared to tell him.



I never thought i would do this. I don't do it for attention. i do it to feel alive, to feel something else beside sadness. i already feel judged enough having depression. it is nice to know i can deal with physical pain, this sickens me. i get nervous around people and scratch my arms wishing my nails could make my arms bleed. Has anyone else started cutting b/c of depression? I'm so terrified to tell my one roommate (my only one of 4 who knows i feel this way)...
sickgirl sickgirl
18-21, F
11 Responses Oct 26, 2006

Everyone harms in different ways, my younger sister cut and at the time I never understood it but after a while I started to understand about it more. I understand u are depressed because I am at the moment as we'll. I really think you should tell your doctor I know it's scary but seeing my sisters arms and even one of the worst times her face cut breaks my heart. She also had anxiety and would never leave the house then she started harming in another way. With bulimia which took her life 7 months ago. I know you feel like everything's out of your control and now this is the only things you can control so it makes you feel better. You have already made the first step by telling someone which must have been really hard for you. Your young and you have the rest of your life ahead of you , your strong really strong if you are still reaching out for help after all you have been through. Your a fighter , believe in yourself take everyday as it comes if that's to much every hour if that's to much every second.

It is not unheard of. But, cutting is also an issue of it's own. I beg you to be honest with your friend. He may be angry, but it is because he cares for you so much he can't stand to see you hurting yourself. You also need to tell a roommate. Someone close to you that you're around often should know about it. Have you looked into the Counseling Services on campus? You should. Also, consider talking to a doc. Meds can manage the symptoms enough to be able to tackle the true demons and the irrational thoughts in therapy.

I feel your pain and in someways I understand.<br />
<br />
Dont give up.

I feel your pain and in someways I understand.<br />
<br />
Dont give up.

I feel your pain and in someways I understand.<br />
<br />
Dont give up.

Yes, been there too. If you can seperate out yourself from the disease, as you've done, then you've taken a big step toward recovery. It still doesn't conquer the blues, and for that you need (1) meds (2) force yourself to exercise (3) sunshine (4) force yourself to smile into the mirror. <br />
<br />
The key to fighting depression is to keep it away from your door. How? By remembering that thoughts emerge in your mind like water spurting from a fountain, like clouds floating past in a blue sky. You must treat them with the same regard as the water or the clouds. In other words, stop paying attention to them. You have a million thoughts a day. How many do you need? About 5: (1) Time to get up; (2) What am I going to wear? (3) what should I eat; (4) what should i do with my day. If you're lucky you'll have a sixth thought which is "I love [fill in the blanks]." All the rest of the thoughts are of little to no use, and the ones that tell you how bad you are or how rotten things are going to turn out are of ABSOLUTELY no value. <br />
<br />
Try this and see if it works

Please, please please tell your doctor!! I also have depression and anxiety. I rarely leave my room, and then get back in there as fast as possible. I understand why you want to do this. It's like if someone steps on your foot, your headache isn't so bad. I've had a lot of meltdowns. I have a friend in another state who also went through this. It's good to have someone who understands and can help you through the rough patches. She made me promise to call her next time I go all hysterical. This is a tough road, and someone who's been there can help. Talk to somebody. If they don't understand, talk to somebody else. It's hard, but please try.

Wow, you are a lot younger than me, I think? I am 38? I suffer from temporal lobal epilepsy and my psychiatrist says it is what causes my panic anxiety; depression and ocd - I don't know, I know I have it. However the reason for writing to you, is I "hurt" myself too. Can't remember when I first did it - what I do regularly is burn myself with facial hair wax, and I have awful scars on my right hand always use my right hand in case I get married as a lot of scars would look ugly on my left hand, is my way of thinking! Logical I don't know, anyway, I have shaved/cut my legs & fingers on purpose, only 1 do I think I could have needed stitches, most of it is pretty surface, I think. I have used knives, which really don't work and metal tin lids, which are okay. I have scratched myself against walls to make abrasions, but nothing has been life threatening. Who knows about this, my mom, as I am very close to her, she cannot understand why I do it, and I don't really know, I need it, if that makes any sense? I think you put it well, to take your mind off your sadness, that could well be true for me, not sure. Hope this helps a bit.

i can totally understand where you are coming from. Its good to see that your aware of why you do it. I feel very depressed at the moment and think about hurtung myself but i dont

hey. i have chemical depression too. i've had it for a while now. it was under control for the most part with therapy and medication. then in thes summer i stopped taking my medication (don't ask me how that happened). so now it's back. and today i cut, or i tried to cut, my hand. i've never cut myself before. i guess i don't see the point in it. it really didn't make me feel better. it hurt too much. then i felt guilty and ashamed and supid. i don't know why i'm really commenting. i just thought i would because i can relate. i'm a freshman in college, with chemical depression, who has tried to cut herself...

i got depressed almost 10 years ago, and at first i just cried 24 7, then one day i fell over, and the physcial pain took my feelings away, so i started cutting, first with a knife then with a blade. now every time any thing happens i have to cut.