the Sun Is Shining Today And I Can't Feel It

I'm an outdoor person.  I LOVE being outside...at least I used to.  In the summertime, I usually leave my house as early in the day as possible and spend the WHOLE day outside....sitting at a park or the beach or hiking....I even went camping the summer of 05 all by myself!  I recently moved into a house....have my own backyard....spent a great deal of time digging and building (with bricks) a fire pit all the way in the back.  I love campfires.  But, I didn't burn many of them this past summer....cuz, everytime I felt like having a fire, I had to sit at it all by myself.  It got old really fast.  It's starting to get cold now. Today is probably one of the last sunny, warm days we'll have.  I opened my curtains and windows.  I can smell the fresh, autumn air.  The sun is beaming through the windows.  I thought:  "I should at least sit on the front porch to feel the warmth of all that beautiful sun on my skin...it'll be good for me."  But, I can't feel it anymore.  I can't feel the breath of life that normally washes over me when I commune with nature.


I fought with all my might to stay alive yesterday.  I drank some gin at, like noon.  I went and sat at the river (my favorite spot.  I've been going to the same spot for years and years....alone.)  It was too cold so I sat and listened to music in my car...until the battery died.  I had my camera with me.  I took some pictures of the park, river, trees and sky.  The photos were nice but, they didn't make me want to live.  I fought with myself, sitting there, the WHOLE time to keep from doing dumb ****....like jumping in the (high, rushing) water.  I thought about doing crazy ****, like jabbing an ink pen deep into the soft underside of my forearm and digging up the length of it.  I thought about blood alot.  There are some homeless people who are always living under the bridge.  I got out of my car, at one point, to pee in the woods and I heard some voices...laughter.  I saw a blue tent popped under the bridge and I thought I should go talk to those people.  I thought they might be the only type of people who could relate to this darkness I'm walking in.  I thought about asking them questions and taking pictures of them...documenting them and their lives.  Then, I thought it might be a stupid thing to do....you never know...they could be psycho...I could end up dead....And, almost like a zombie, like some unseen force was leading me over to them, my body started moving in their direction.  My mind was instantly crowded with all manner of fiendish, sick thoughts....like, maybe THEY would kill me and then I wouldn't have to.


But, I forced myself back to the car.  I made a vow to myself (after my overdose three years ago) to not die...not until it's my time to die.  I mean that vow, with all of my heart but, yesterday, IT WAS REALLY HARD TO KEEP IT.  But, I did.  I'm still here.  I wasn't TOO disappointed when I awoke to find myself facing another day.  The sun was shining through my window and it reminded me of hope.  It didn't make me feel hopeful but, it reminded me that I have felt hopeful before.  I love sunlight....or at least, I remember loving sunlight.  Today, I see it but I just can't feel it.


It's going to be a long winter.

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
2 Responses Oct 30, 2006

Are you enjoying the spring?

You did a great job keeping oyur vow. I remember a lesson saying that extremes are easier to bare when you remember that it is a temporary condition and will have to pass with time and furture is always better then when we experience worst.<br />
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"You did not loose your smile, its just below your nose, you just forgot it was there" - Anonymous